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What Drives You to You

What is the most exhilarating part of you that you bring to your human experience? I was sitting outside, and a moth flew on me and I was utterly disgusted by it falling on me because I’m not a fan of bugs. But I remember that the moth is a part of fire energy it can be moving to quickly from one thing to another but after further research it meant you could be hiding you from you. And I let a sigh because I was like dang this how I been feeling lately.

Because a girl just need room to freaking breath by my damn self because somebody always trying to suck up my energy or the air in myspace. Y’all know this other project has being going on for the longest and I’m ready to wrap it up because it’s nothing to be done to fix it. I mean no person can fix it because sometimes some people go to far and far is just enough for a person to be like I had enough. I told y’all in this lifetime the hardest part I’ve been intrigued with is incorporating my inner child with my adult life and let me tell you this hasn’t been easy.

Somedays its smooth the other day its like I’m winging it because most adults are so focused on the mundane things like the news, gossip, drama, and just plain existing. It’s like we can’t do nothing else a lot of people don’t know what genuine peace and fun feels like because society has taught us that is to always do something outside of you. Like making memories is what were here for to learn and grow from them and incorporate them, so the next generation want to have to bear the pain we endured on earth.

So, lately I have been feeling completely zapped of my energy because I’m not a fan of the messy, catty like drama because some people don’t even have an issue with you it’s the projection process. Also, I noticed when I was working on me in my dungeon, I recognized it allowed of disrespect from people because I was too busy working on me. I didn’t like the space I was in mentally and I wanted to change it, I got tired of the same old things like dating for one because I wasn’t acknowledging my needs so I thought other people could consume me for the time being.

Baby when you hurt and challenged to grow that shit don’t work no more because in 2014, I hit the lowest point of my life to make me recognize that all I needed was me. In the most non arrogantly way. How I searched for me at the end of the day in a blunt, partying in clubs, attending PTA meetings, and working the same old boring jobs was my life. I was unfulfilled and plagued with stress because I was so focused on maintaining a lifestyle that really wasn’t mine in the first place. I wasn’t taking time to work on my dreams I mean I would always put them to the side before I even believed in them.

Because the family and lifestyle I come from dreams don’t come true for most because they either don’t try to work on them or even take the time to believe in them. Because like most people dreams, they don’t start off with a million dollars in hand and deal on the table to feed your family. It’s gone be some days when you feel like you have to push it aside because life gets reals and when everybody is busy doing them you think that’s what you want for you too. Only to find out that ain’t even the life you’re supposed to be living.

After all the heartache and pain, I experienced with deciding if this was it and if everything, I was going through going to push me to me it did. In the most uncomfortable and disrespectful way. Chile, I just wanted to be different you know the little girl with a tutu on and combat boots jumping in the mud. I know it may seem weird to some but baby that’s life it gives you what you need before you get what you want. You have to take the good with the bad even if the bad hurts you so much.

And I know that’s easy to say when the things that used to hurt me don’t hurt me no more while some still battle with the pain of the past. I just wanted to say that painful memory you keep holding on to and you can’t seem to undo is where your strength lies. You may say how but if you could view it from a place of non-biasness you could see how it takes so much away from your life. We all get caught up on the things we don’t want to when we think it could never be us.

I mean take for me instance I never thought I would experience anything I had to, and I never thought I could even face me because I did so much to forget me. And I mean that in many ways because I was to busy navigating in my pain that I ended up hurting others while they hurt me back. Only to be overly defensive and have to break down those barriers of why I was still holding on to the pain and I didn’t want to give people a chance.

I mean I still have them days where if you get asking me to many questions, I’ll stare upside like you crazy because you being to nosey for me. I have to remind myself that it’s okay to talk because when the times I was vulnerable people took advantage of that and my Scorpio Sun and Moon ain’t to fund of that. Chile, because have y’all checked out my blog does the help really help. https://www.phuckyoanxiety.com/post/do-the-help-actually-help

Boy that be one of my biggest downfaults because some people don’t know how to keep secrets and some people don’t know how to exclude you from their personal experience they have had with people. I mean the old hurt people hurt people dynamic comes into play because you have people that be too scared to be them, so they demonize you because you’re okay being you. So, this creates the room for people to go about judging people or expecting them to be the person you want them to be and not be the person you need to be.

So, I wrote all this to say that if you don’t feel like you at the moment that is okay just take time to figure out what is taking away from you. So you can get it back to you, in the words of me I keep receipts so when the people around me ain’t loving me the way I think they should I take the time to give back to me so I can love me like I expect them too.




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