Trauma Response
TRAUMA RESPONSE:
Can we stop acting like trauma doesn’t change people and turn them into shitty people. Like I'm not giving no one and excuse because it isn't your job to heal someone but some people walk around and act as if their pain doesn’t bother others. And the thing that bothers me is how quickly these individuals who get called out on this said behavior turn into the victim. It's like this story they have made up in their mind when they get to you and act as if you should take the bait when you shouldn't. I get it and being and empathic person it leads people into thinking I am okay with a lot of things when it is the complete opposite. They feel as if I am this big-hearted person and I am to accept the reason of their actions because someone fucked them up and they decided to fuck you up too.
Well, sorry I don’t decide to live there because the hardest part I had to face in life was myself it was the lies I told me, the things I heard, and the lack of accountability I had with me. How I kept secrets from myself and it meet me with shame that made me feel as if I wasn’t worthy of change. Until one day I just blatantly decided I didn’t like me anymore, the person who I became and those who inflicted their wounds onto me I slowly started to become them. Which limited me in my opinions, my ability to see life through its whole lens, and smile just for once and be happy. And not the jovial I'm happy to have this or to have gratitude because I was more blessed than others no, to be happy as if I was living in a shoe. The comfort I got from living in my own skin, the fact that God speaks me through me, to accept your negativity and decide I don’t have to deal with it, to get a voice and say all of the things even if it pains me or causes fear, to leap and not run, to stop seeking and deciding to live for once.
Living a life outside of me and who I was had me in the energy constantly seeking things outside of me not to validate but to prove I am alive. I am human, that I deserve peace, and to live a non-threating life but boy did it still have a way of finding me. It was like this massive reverse psychology fuck from the universe saying do you believe in magic. To think out of all those years I have had with life to be exhausted, tired, and running away from every problem I had turn to around and say this stem back to this. See, everybody doesn't believe they have some form of childhood trauma because they didn’t get raped, severely beat, grew up poor, or molested that they have no trauma. Until you sit back and see how their parents, parents made them the parent or friend they are today which is a shitty person.
It's like we go through this walk of life with no self-awareness of who are and until we end up finding out who we are when we feel it's too late. When kids are old, life feels shorter, and it seems as if time is always running out. How we could've apologized, done things differently, spoken differently, took a stand differently, or even fucking tried for once. But no, we didn't and that is perfectly okay but it isn’t your job to get someone to change, to love you, or even acknowledge you. Society makes us feel as if we are to take our time away from own emotional needs and say here, here this is what you and life did to me. Each and every day of your life when there are some people who aren't even designed to change. Sometimes we just reincarnate to shitty families to teach us how to be better, to challenge ourselves, to push the envelopes, to learn to fight back, and to take a stand for something.
To teach us what not to be and to let go of anger, sadness, and grief so that we can cut that cord and leave them at that place they had us fucked up at. We always talk about the generational curses we have to fight but no one is ever willing to cut that but they will cut off that family member who hurt them. They won’t heal from the things they did to them; they won't be organically happy because somehow, they have become, their muse to show them how they are better than them. Only to end up being the same as them later in life. Because the one part of the story you don’t tell is how you believed in those around you and they let you down so you've made it harder for people trust you, to deal with you, or even love you because of fear. No matter how bad it hurts to speak of the pain you’ve experienced it plagues you to even say it out loud or look at you in the mirror the same.
So, waking up pretending to be something you are not is okay because it becomes easier to hide the pain and to treat the wound in silence when no one's knows that you are hurting. Trauma makes you feel that way like no one is listening when they are, when they see, and when they know. It silences you and everything around you except the inner critic in you because all you want to do is get it right. And by all means what is getting it right? To cry out loud, to scream, to yell, to lose patience with yourself, to be more comfortable in your own skin. To remove the blinders of trauma and how it made you subservient to everything in your life and even you. To the point it makes you craves power in the places you don’t wield it and developing the mind frame that people don’t like you. When it’s the person you’ve become in this life they don’t like. And it's perfectly fine if someone doesn't like you if you haven’t done anything to them baby, that’s they stress not yours.
If anybody has a healthy relationship with your parents or elders, have you ever noticed the joy that lights up in them when they talk about you when you were a child. How you just didn’t care and decided to live out loud and silenced all of the noise to just be a kid. Please don’t bring that bullshit over here because I am tired of that projecting bullshit. Now, let me get back on subject. How the elders or the loved ones who believed in you see you and know what you are capable of but you silenced your voice a long time ago to become what you are not. The goals, dreams, and aspirations you have set out to conquer that is waiting on you but you allow fear and say I am too scared of things that need me. TO HOLD YOU BACK! How dare you fix your lips to complain about the things you wanted when they are the mere reflection of you.
The wounds you project onto society and deem them to love you and get mad because of your lack of honesty. I am not saying you have to be visually open as me on social media but if people just saw the real you once maybe they could finally love you properly. And to the ones that showed people they scares instead of what you made of them keep going because its aways going to be someone whose more invested in your survival story than your actually real-life story. In order to heal you have to keep on living and in order to live you have to figure out what is this life worth fighting for?
CIAO