TIME TO MOVE ON!
I feel like this message is going to be repetitive in itself and let me just say ughh as I write in this agony. Some people don’t know the power in forgiveness, acceptance, and moving on if they knew this it could change their whole life around and some people would do it automatically. But for some they think forgiveness means that you invalidate your experiences of the pain you have endured at someone else's hands. #PYA! Your emotions are important your lack of speaking up too even admit something still hurt is one of the reasons you hurt. Sometimes the memories hurt more than the action itself even if we aren't in pain anymore it’s the thought of it that gets us from time to time. It is the feeling of weakness we feel when people use them as their strengths, the fear of being vulnerable, #PYA putting yourself back out there, or putting yourself back together that can overpower you.
Nobody never talks about the pain you feel when you see that you aren't the same person anymore. Like how you thought you was once happy and it takes one thing to knock you down to see that you really weren’t even at your max potential in life yet. And once you finally notice how you have changed emotionally, physically, and even mentally that takes a toll on you as well. Sometimes you sit and think about the person who you used to be whether you were small, big, broke, sad, or even unhappy. And it leads to a road of sadness and unforgiveness because out of all of that we want out of life is to forget. But you try and then you forget the important things about you like how to laugh like nobody is watching, how to smile, how to believe in anything an again, and even love whether you give it or receive it. You contemplate many things like your existence, your value, your purpose, your time, and everything in your life.
And this can lead to many dark places such as drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, smoking, and partying anything that can just ease the pain. To allow you to forget you in one moment whether you try to catch you a million times. But you find yourself right back at square one mirroring the pain that was bestowed upon you by someone who didn’t even stop to care if you're alive. You end up becoming your abuser in most cases and some people don’t even know it. The lack of care you show for other people's emotions, the lack of effort you give to yourself and others, and a need to always be in a void because nobody understands you. It’s funny when you encounter narc the first-time because you never how these people will impact your life. How quickly you can become theM in the most messed up way.
You got a reason to now, to be fucked up, to feel low, to expect less, to speak low, not sit up straight, and even hide your face because of shame. Ain’t that some shit how you never know you still can carry on a narc's legacy without them even knowing it. I mean if you think I'm kidding look at your parents and look at you. Look at how you interact with people and the ones you don’t. Have you thought about the way the way they hurt you, mislead you, removed you from your childhood, and basically made up your belief system. That all people are bad, everyone is evil, the world is a cruel place which it is by the way it is, that no man/woman will ever love you, or they made you become something you are not.
Which is angry, bitter, mad, flustered all the time, annoyed, easily disrupted, and careless? I mean I didn’t think of this shit either so I was once where you were. Do you even breathe properly, like inhale life over your body? Like the air in your body knows that it is coming from you that you are the sovereign ruler over your vessel and mind. I live by a powerful motto forgive if I am paraphrasing but it goes, I am safe. I am sound. I am Divinely protected. I am master of my body and I am ruler of my mind. -Robert Bruce. I bought that book when I was coming out of my karmic cycle and let me tell you it was the cue I needed to keep going and the validation I needed to let me know that I was on the right track.
Because praying about it wasn’t going to help when I didn’t even pay attention to the signs from the universe. I thought those things was two separate entities yes because everything is labeled witchcraft in Christianity community. Talking about my problems to people who had a way of avoiding and suppressing trauma didn’t work for me because all they labeled me was problematic. Talk about family. 8-|. Child, it was confusing as hell for me because those methods didn’t work like that it is what lead me to heavy years of chronic weed smoking. Child, I needed some outlet to express my emotions and the weed didn’t talk back, repeat my secrets, and make me feel less than who I was. But it didn’t work for me anymore because I was hurt for real this time and I needed love the most.
It was something that was undervalued in my life because I didn’t know it in all forms. So, the people who checked in to see if your good with good intentions didn’t matter to me. The ones who worked too hard through my emotional blocks to sit in silence was a form of love they showed me. Even in the moments I didn’t find it fulfilling I seen how I missed out on the love that was in my face. I ended up settling a lot of times in life especially when it came to jobs, career goals, lover, friends, and even my overall happiness. Yikes, that is so disgusting to say out loud by the way. But society tries to make it seems like you need love from someone you desire to be with when that isn’t true. What about all those people who meet you where you are?
They are blessings sometimes they don’t mean you no good but they served you until they couldn’t serve you anymore. No matter if they got high with you, slept with you, or you even vacayed with them. They played their part with you it was on you to honor your intuition to know when to leave, but like many I understand that pain because when your hurt you don’t care about any of that. All you want to do is lay in pile of your own tears, fears, strife, and emotional discontentment. Because at some point of it all, you feel you deserve the mistreatment of others. When that shit isn’t fair or cool. The longer you hold onto the pain of others you give them power to control who you are to become.
It okay to feel victimized, traumatized, confused, and let down, but it becomes a problem when you become the things, they you want to be. Remember the goal is to ever be like them. It's not about being able to tolerate or take the pain with ease it is about addressing it, removing it, and putting a stop to the cords they try to share with you. But don’t ever feel like you too good to cry, to be afraid to ask for love when you know you need it the most, and reject what doesn’t serve you anymore.