TRAUMA BONDING IN A RELATIONSHIP:
Before we get started Jonnie Taylor got a message for one of y’all that it's time to leave that toxic relationship and gone step into the light. I know, I know it's hard when sex seems so passionate and no one else gets you when you have had to fight so many battles alone. It’s like a lifesaver when you are down in the trenches and find someone who seems to just say all the things that makes the pain go away. Especially when you want to sit in sorrow and lick your wounds it's like this person was created just for you. Sometimes some people find their person in the darkest hours of their lives while for many we find people who keep us in dark cycles of our lives. I call those people the false martyrs.
The people who do things out of desperation and a state of need they want to be a hero to someone so bad that they go around looking for the emotional wounded. The problems with these relationships are when you decide to heal or change you see them turn into someone who you never thought they would’ve been. For some it isn't so nice these men or women turn into abusers, lead you to drugs, alcohol, and a life of depression. Only because they want you to be their puppet. It’s like a role switch they do with people when they really are the codependent and submissive when you think about it. Their just too scared to admit it a long time ago they could've said I'm tired of you, damn I wish for once you would treat me like those things you take interest in, or even say I fear that the dynamic in the relationship is changing and I don't know where we stand with each other.
For some of you these people are narcs or have narc like tendencies that’s why they do the things they do. Meanwhile some of these people are unhealed and scared to face themselves so they’ll rather stay in a connection with anything or anyone just feel alive. I believe the feelings for each other died a long time ago they just do things to get an emotional response from each other to get them to notice each other. I mean how will you know you really love someone when you are too scared to do what best for you or them like chasing your dreams, healings, doing the things you once said you was to do, or finding your own happiness. We really have to stop pushing this idea that we have to be submerged into that we forget our needs. And finding yourself is not always fucking somebody else.
And I don’t say that in a mean way I say that with the upmost respect because we need time to evolve and grow. We’re not made to be held captive in relationships all in the name of love that shit is treacherous. People be acting like they scared to let their partners go out into the real world like didn’t we all hate our parents at one point in life and felt they didn’t care enough or need to not care so we can go off and be the person who we need to be. Our inner child needs to be feed at some point in time in life. Why do you think some people go to work all the time to either avoid home, make money, or fellowship with other people. Some people don’t know how to make friends outside work and relationships so they rely on outside outlets to give them a feeling.
I mean it would seem really boring to be around someone all the time and you have to do everything they want to do meanwhile you have to stay at home with the kids, hang with your homegirls all the time, and do whatever they want to do. Sometimes someone else things are doing things with other people and not you. This is why we have friends outside of the relationship and no this isn’t equated to gender. And if your partner is a hoe speed past this section and go look on another article I wrote. Whispers, bitch just leave. Sometimes it's getting in the car going for a ride and listening to music in peace. It's walking the isles in the store and buying one thing because you are away from the house or even the kids. We have to stop acting like parents do not need a break from their children and when I say a break I'm not talking about clubbing, a vacation, or a movie night.
Life is still lifing so we all are looking for some proper outlet to be able to express and live without changing who we are at heart. Everything isn’t always going to be rainbows and sunshine in a relationship. If you can’t deal with conflict that doesn’t mean shun your voice. That doesn’t mean becoming something you are not so won’t upset or rock the boat when you want to express something that is bothering you. That creates and breeds resentment because you are a human and not a robot. You were created to feel, to love, to be happy, to live, and be all the things you want/wanted to be whether that is good or bad. These are choices that should only be decided by you because this is your human experience.
Now this doesn't mean go off and be disrespectful to your partner because you have finally got the emotionally green light to get the fuck on down and shake some things up. It’s about being honest and creating tangible ways of accomplishing your goals without allowing someone to make you feel like you should back down. If your change causes discord in the relationship to the point it causes you guys to breakup then what are you going to do bend or submit to their will. If you aren’t doing anything life threating, cheating, being disrespectful, and honoring your union and you at the same time what is the problem? If they leave you, what are you going to do? Cry! If you love a person it's going to hurt anyway if they leave but it's also going to hurt to when you feel deprived of the things you want out of life. Like sanity, peace, support, honesty, free range, accountability, support, and comfort.
We always set out these goals in relationships for our partners or mainly for ourselves and get mad when we don’t take into account how the changes, we make for ourselves and how change affect the way we deal with each other. It may seem like I just said the same thing but I didn’t because when you fully plan out something that you want to do from a realistic mind frame without the love glasses you actually take into account how your partner may or may not respond. This is where I say getting to know the person, you're with is actually important and can save you a lot of time and years on your car insurance by switching to Geico.
Some people can argue and say you can never know a person fully which in some cases can be true but in others I don’t think so. We as women go to drastic measures to manipulate a man by using sex but you never ask the questions you want to know while they’re in a vulnerable moment. Men go all out the way to show you they are providers or solid guys, but they never stop to ask questions in your moment of weakness. I mean in human nature we all exploit each other to benefit a need of our own. Some may call it manipulation and we’ll leave it there.
The point that I'm trying to make is that we really have to start being honest about the encounters that we have with people. We are always looking for someone to stick around but we rarely do the work in knowing if we are capable of keeping someone around. My mother whom I have a love hate relationship with would always say Al Katie taught them how to get a woman/man but not how to keep them. And with love we make sacrifices and adjustments for the love to be reciprocated back to us in the relationship. Not with a favor for a favor but with submitting to love. That is a power source that cannot be manipulated or conscribed to human's state of power. No matter how much you hate your ex-lover you did at some point love them.
That is a feeling that cannot be denied and an emotion at some point in time you once felt. Love will always be love but that doesn’t someone will to love you will always be enough.
Too Many Memories