Toxic Relationships

TOXIC LOVE AFFAIRS:

Ahh as I say this as sweet sarcasm rolling off of my tongue. Do you miss your toxic old love or do you want them back? See the thing about toxic love affairs is they seem exciting because you get to lose control, you get to access your shadow quicker and more efficient. Does it mean you utilize it to your best abilities no but the fact that you don’t care and the parts of you that seemed forbidden to access seems to be so demanding. Because the shadow craves to be noticed regardless of what others think. It is the hidden depth of you, your mind, heart, and soul. How we go about getting attention seeking love, desired to be first, to get that job, and to conquer life. It is how we fight when the world says no. But when we lack these things; we have in ourselves without having the proper knowledge of someone teaching us what boundaries is and honoring them. We end up damaging it and ourselves in the process. Oh, my how the love of your life or the person who accepts the worst and least of you can seem so meant to be.

It can be damn quite intoxicating to be the worst version of yourself and to have someone love you through it all. All because you don’t have to change and guess what if we decide not to, those friends and lovers who exist on that social, emotional, and mental paradigm will always be waiting with open arms. You may get some form of resistance because of the things they have to occupy their time but after a while you can always get them back especially if they haven't changed. Try that on someone who is evolved, loved properly, and is finally putting they needs first baby you’ll be crying because they don’t love you or it anymore. And it is nothing to do about. Contrary to popular beliefs toxic couples do try to change, they do call each other out on wrongs, go through emotional burnouts, wonder what is on the outside world outside of another person, and they also yearn to be free from things that emotionally weigh them down. It's just being responsible, learning accountability isn't fun, and that they can’t do the same things anymore is what stops them.

Change is the only thing feared in America and globally because we always think about how it can affect somebody else more than ourselves. That is the one thing I know across mankind where you can get someone to not be selfish on. They will come up with a million reasons why they can't do, go, stop, block, or adjust anything because of other people opinions, beliefs, and ways. It's really ironic because no matter how bad a situation is we will try to change that person instead of ourselves. It's like they just don’t get it that you are okay with emotionally patterning you get versus them. So, we try to play healed, stop arguing, fighting, and fussing all the meanwhile its eating you up inside because you hate it. You have been so accustomed to the un-norm that anything normal or free has blocked you out of your emotions. Think of play time with your kids when it's time to clean up they stall out this process and for my first-time stressed-out moms you continually give in.

Creating an emotional patterning that all I have to do is cry this many times, kick here, throw a toy here, and fall out here that you will give in. This is why soft parenting be beating y’all ass sidenote let's get back on subject. After a while the tiredness kicks in and you don’t care anymore so you snatch the child up not aggressively and get it done. You don’t allow them to help overtime because their tears have become so normal that you don’t even know this time their crying because they want to help. Children are some of the most apathetic creatures but they do know mirrored emotions and when to access them when they have done something wrong. And my child this is the example of a toxic relationship. I used to get mad and fight with fire in all of my relationships until I learned that some of them where children trapped in adult bodies when communication, comprehension, and expressing what was wrong for them. And when I learned being an adult is knowing when to quit, I saved myself a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.

I am not saying I became a passivist no that’s what I did in my toxic relationships because I got tired of arguing because I wanted to sleep. After coming home from a long day of work and wanting to plop, my fat ass on the couch seemed to be a hassle for me. Because the more I argued I rarely had time to go out because of exhaustion, having a kid at a young age didn’t help because he still needed me, and being a girlfriend was ass at the time. So, not failing my child and career I had to throw somebody to the side and I know it sucks. Because the things they and other people used to trip out over is still the same things I grow through now. The lack of attention I don’t give them but it’s how they go about getting it. I am straight person and I don’t like drama I am sorry. I am not saying I can’t function in fast past demand but to constantly be dealing with unnecessary bullshit is something I won’t barter or trade with.

The more you pull I push and the more you push I block is it something I need to work on no and yes. Because I learned to be vocal and say today isn't a good day I need space or can you sit with me when I learned that, that didn’t garner the emotional response I needed bitch I was out. Because I be so patient with people until I can’t no more because when I am labeled the bad guy, I will wear it with a badge of honor. I am not saying it’s cute but to always be in a position of 60/40. 80/20, and 70/30, isn’t my ideal relationship. I know relationships goes through bad phases but damn in the beginning and all the way to the end I am not 20! WTH! I mean where is the damn compromise people fail to understand that in relationships is going to be a little ass kissing. I mean y’all already eating it so why no kiss each other ass every now and again.

It creates the space where you can be vulnerable and care without the fights, manipulation tactics, and drama to get someone attention. I mean you can only do so much before a person is either turned off, filing a police report, or looking for a new prospect to be with. I don’t see how this generation fiens for love but do nothing to keep it because gifting and giving material things is only half of it. We are not our parents you guys they got married said I do, supposedly fell in love, and raised kids under the guise we would turn out right. Look at us as I say this looking at me metaphorically. Baby we fucked up, winging shit, and acting like them in our relationships. All the meanwhile we are so desperately seeking some soul satisfaction we crave out of fear and rejection. I know talking about feelings, your childhood dreams, and goals is boring.

But having someone to cry with whether they are happy tears, sad tears, achievement tears, and winning an award is something we all want. That person or persons who just fucking gets it, where you can be raw vulnerable, honest, and concise. The one who makes your heart sing or flutter for my butterfly having people. Or the one who feels like home where you have to check in time to time to see even if this shit is real. Because having that soul mate bond in a relationship can be quite profound when someone isn't scared of your growth and change. I wrote all this to say is tell me about your toxic love you used to be in and how did you recognize that wasn’t it. And for my ones who got it together how you doing now. But share with some sense because the internet be judging knowing they be throat monsters in a black esclade truck.

CIAO