The black family has been segregated for years, oppressed, misled, and breed off chaos to the point it oozes out of the blood line of many offspring’s. It’s in the way we speak to one another, the way we raise our kids, the way we judge one another, and how we destroy the lives of our own before life even gets its chance to. It’s the poverty mindset, it’s the hierarchy in family, groups, social settings, and how we love. Majority of black couples/families wouldn’t know love unless the love was hard to obtain.
I found myself plagued with the idea of family because my idea of family isn’t blood because those was the ones who hurt me the most. I found peace and tranquility with people who didn’t know me more than I ever had from blood relatives. Though I must say the hurt was more manageable to deal with because they didn’t know me, and I didn’t quite know them as well. In 2014 one of my most powerful ancestors found me and said start at the back. I was confused, lost, and looking for help.
I was in a weakened state of mind, body, and spirit needing care and support from those that say they loved me but all they did was hurt me. I felt alone in the midst of my sanity pleading to God saying why me I can’t bear all this pain that turned into strength. But I found myself lost in a world that I once ran from which was family. They were still them while I was a different me seeking some sort peace to ease my soul that I later found out it wouldn’t come from worldly things.
I was stuck because I was little girl navigating through life with a big heart, bad attitude, abused and bruised by love. A love I had seen come from my bloodline the only thing this time it wasn’t my bloodline. They added to the pain, but it wasn’t them it was all me. To think I left home at 18 to be back in place I no longer craved from because I had no peace and understanding. I told myself I’ll never be like those niggas only to find out I had become those niggas.
The love I was searching for in the nouns only showed me you can’t get shit you didn’t work for. Sometimes you can luck on some blessing that can change your life but if you’re not ready you’ll f*** it up. True story! But again, I was told to start from the back. When my spiritual awakening was happening, it was like all those people who are trendy now or using their social media to talk about the things I needed where hiding from me. Maybe because I was trying to be like come up with some other way to not hurt anymore. So, divine was like your never gonna get it, never gonna get! Inserts music
But I finally got it, I was a private child for most of my age and I didn’t like letting people get to know me I was more of a Wednesday just wore colorful clothes. So, the things people do to embarrass people I wasn’t fond of because I have family members who do that on drop of a dime. So, I went through a humiliating experience that was like ah ha I finally get it. It pushed me to challenge myself because I don’t like it when people think they have control over me. This is where the self-sabotaging traits come into play where you hear me say I will ruin us on a drop of dime.
Because humans sometimes can be arrogant little pricks thinking they got you figured out only for me to go nope gotta be quicker than that. And boy does that make some people mad and yourself. But at this time, I was tired of playing games with me and wanted to heal properly. I was tired of going to cookouts seeing family members not visiting because they mad at so on so because they didn’t want to watch they baby. And the half of niggas just coming for food and drinks and good time to never see them again. The other half was at home pretending to demonize the bloodline for the shit they do in private.
Baby I was over the fake stuff I wanted the real, raw, raunchy, and honest. How could I want such when I was in a low place forcing myself to pretend to want family? I only wanted to be understood by Big Mama back and my Kate the Great well at least I wanted someone to be them at least. Selfish I would say because I wanted what I wanted but I was smart enough to not get it. Damn those emotions, empathy, and humanitarian bull crap because I wanted to be a douche like them.
God don’t play fair and ion like that because everything works out in the way it was supposed to. So, here we are wondering how I figured how the black family doesn’t get each other. Growing up with my sister she always compared our family to other families and boy was that annoying. Because I was like you knew what you signed up for just shut up and do your job when you get 18 just leave and never come back because that was my plan.
To get away from these niggas because the way my grandma raised her children, they entitled to shit they ain’t supposed to be is it amazing to watch. In the black community you only family, on holidays, birthdays, deaths, and financial crisis. Why because as the older you get the more freedom you have to be you outside of your parent’s house. So, that was the only way that they could get they offspring’s to come by was to have family gatherings.
Now I was a granny baby, I was tethered to these streets so I know all the tea but also knew not to spill it, side note I like old people too because they give you good game in cryptic messages. It’s just knowing how to listen and having patience for them to get the message out. I remember when I was younger, I had to do a family tree so my grandma was telling me about how and why she couldn’t read and write and that her family was slave descendants. So, she went into how her parents raised/loved her the best they could. Me thinking as a kid this is some pretty messed up shit.
That I found myself using to navigate through the pain. Like most girls I wasn’t taught about love, only the things I had to do to get a man and to save my virginity for my husband. YUCK! Talk about slave minded. I wasn’t taught about career women because they were housewives while their husband worked and provided for them. Well one of my grandmas not both and the women who worked jobs were so bitter because they couldn’t get men like their moms to help provide a lifestyle for them.
So, shaking bottles up as a single mom and trying to be a teen mom wasn’t fun. I looked at how they would talk about women having a shitload of babies by men but not teaching them to value themselves more so they wouldn’t be prey for men. So, mothers disowning their daughters because they weren’t married and having bastard babies was sin. And overall mama failed you, but she didn’t know how to tell you because her hatred for her life trickle down the bloodline into you. Making you hate sex, saving yourself for marriage while your brothers and men chase you, rape you, lie to you, and even hurt you for pussy. That this story has been going on for ages.
You see siblings competing with each other complaining about not living in poverty while raising kids with a poverty mindset. Only for each generation to date down, to raise they kids down, and disown they own bloodline, and skin folks.
See we never really get into how slavery fucked us up psychologically how we as niggas don’t stop to think about why we do so much because we still feel as if the chains and shackles are on our feet. I mean not physically mentally they are. The way your parents demand respect only to disrespect you because their slave masters told them to shut and keep working nigger. Because that’s all they were it amazes me how niggas think we free, racism ain’t real, and real life ain’t happening.
That when we the negroes finally got free, they were still told where they could and couldn’t go. Why you think we have no restraint when we should it’s in the etymology of your bloodline. Your folks didn’t raise you were raised by your slave masters. Slave master and white supremacist controlled the minds of many while not laying a single finger while we were in freedom. Why you think its so many negroes who change themselves to be more white. And I’m not talking about speaking wise because niggas weren’t privy to education so proper speaking wasn’t on the menu.
So, save me that offended to be offended bull crap. Even in your household the psychological trauma from slavery still rain this day. Ask your mama or father a question about their life and watch how they shun you or disrespect you and you wonder why you hate your own kind. Because they don’t dress nice, they don’t comb they hair the way you do, they don’t speak right, they don’t do things you do. So, lets add procreation in the midst of this and now you see why you hate your own bloodline, down to the kids, nieces, nephews, aunts, and uncles.
Because where was your empathy going come from, where was healthy human experience going to come from, and how will you know love when you never even felt it. Living in survival mode 24/7 constantly begging and pleading amongst each other. We don’t know how to exist we know how to be controlled this is why majority of own sell out for money. Because money feels good when you never had it because you had to work so hard to get it.
And money grants the respect you never had before, you able to go over mama house layup, curse females out, have a bunch of kids throw them on her because of your money. As well as the hate that comes with it power sure does comes next. And when your black person with money and to only have money in family of broke folks they treat as if you’re some God when you’re not. Creating some since of hierarchy amongst other niggas because to you, you that nigga.
I ain’t even mad at it because it’s all love because that’s all your looking for but over the time you see the harder you work for it the more, they want. You created monsters, enablers, parasites, and host that only knows how to feed by a value of a dollar. So, when you say no or put your foot down, they take that love away and now you see being a savior ain’t so fun no more because they don’t love you anymore. This is why women going around screaming they independent and don’t see no value in man because they’ve seen you play God to the people and starve them.
The same way your slave master used to do your bloodline. That now blacks coming together and loving on each in non-sexual way is foreign. Constructive criticism doesn’t work, teaching don’t work, and legacy just ain’t the same no more because money, power, and respect ain’t working like it used to.
TO FREEDOM!!!!!! TO BE CONTINUED