Living to exist is so much easier than actually living your life. When you find yourself scrambling for love, time, affection, and peace that is when it is okay to say I have been surviving. Depending on your childhood, you thought life would always be easy and people would be there to embrace you like Big Mama and let you know it was okay. That life happens and time keeps on going and no matter what somebody would always be in your corner. Like most of us that grew up we learned that it’s a lot of things that we didn’t know to make life better for us.
Like in the black community we aren’t taught to value us and know that we are worth something more than the bad part of history. I mean I found myself angry and mad at my parents majority of the time for the things they didn’t teach me. I hated the feeling of being hurt and led down paths that would reintroduce me to myself. I knew they wanted me to go to college, to get a job, or basically do something with myself that I was actually confused. I had strict parents with southern ways so talking back to your parents was a no no it either created a resentment for them or living your life trying to please them because they mattered that much. I found myself fed up and ready to live life on my terms. Not knowing how to save, to raise a baby, and love but hey I was ready to do my own thing.
You know how it goes in black community once you get 18 you have to go parents are looking for ways to ship their kids off to school or basically get their house back. It’s like parents clock out at 18 because they’re either tired of raising you how they were raised. When in reality it forces some unwanted identity crisis in you. Leaving you conflicted with should I do this because this is what I know or should I find what is out there for me. Now again I don’t know everyone childhood story but just giving you an inside information to my experience to life. Just an example on they don’t teach us about womanhood. Now I didn’t know a lick about sex because I’m a girl and guess what girls can get pregnant by men so having sex was forbidden. Me wanting a boyfriend screamed she’s ready for sex. Meanwhile if I was dude it would be totally okay because that’s what guys do. :-/! WTF ! Someone women struggle with enjoying themselves sexually or limit their sexual lives for the fear of being named a h**. Chile, all that information is important to know at the right time because if you like me or desire to be in heterosexual monogamous relationship you needed that information. Instead of being shunned and suppressed by society views and men expectations.
I mean I learned pretty quickly that the black community hides or don’t teach us those things that we actually need besides survival skills. It comes from their experiences with life because how dare they have a kid who makes the same mistakes they did when they haven’t even learned from their own. All you hear is nope, nope, and hell nawl! When you have your own kids that’s when you’ll understand. Well newsflash I did, and I recognized pretty quickly that my child couldn’t survive how I was raised I mean this new generation is sensitive. I don’t think their overly sensitive just aware of the things we aren’t I mean kids can teach us many things. I think honestly, I didn’t realize I was living in survival mode until after my last relationship with my ex-lover when we’re coming out of the shacking phase. The way I was raised you don’t shack with a man because why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Not making sure your both financially stable and its okay to save and be in love. Because being in love in the black community is something that many don’t find because their either pretending or to scared to let someone in.
I told you I was adventurous so whatever I wanted to do I felt like I was going to do it. I mean me and him wasn’t planning to get married off the bat I just wanted to be with my lover and wake up to his face every day. I didn’t care for marriage at the time so I knew I don’t have to be his wife we just loved each other how hard could it be just living together.
Well it was hard somedays because of the era we were raised in is now what they new age feminist are talking about. I mean the gender roles and the men wanting to be the alpha even if he’s not the alpha. A woman suppressing her inner most needs because of her man and the thought she loves him she has to deal with his incompetence on most days. Because why we seen our grandmothers, aunts, and moms do it. I mean honestly how was I a black female to be his all-American woman when I wasn’t taught those things. Because they showed me just enough to survive thinking I would abide by their rules forever. See I heard about marriage but not how to obtain and upkeep one. So, I lacked in some departments causing some problems in the relationship because we weren’t married but I vowed not to disrespect him. He had a child I had child how was two kids gone raise children when we barely staying afloat. Some days financially, some emotionally, some mentally, and physically. We were living to exist somedays I mean only in the moment we weren’t thinking about the long term. All I knew is that I fell in love and was trying to find me.
While at the same time wanting him to honor me and love my bullshit. After we broke up, I realized I was uncompromising ass hell, mean, and stubborn. Why because of the happy wife happy life scenario. It actually handicapped me in some ways. Especially when he would try to get me to think bigger or planning our future, that was hard because we lived in the now because when we met, we were on the same frequency. We mirrored each other and dying to be understood so we matched. But working a job, having no structure, and rules for how we wanted to raise the kids was a lot. I mean we were working for the same things and not communicating that it seemed as if we were living to different lives. His childhood vs my childhood. Child, I don’t feel so bad talking about it now because I wasn’t the only one and people still till this day do no matter how much money they have, have this problem. It’s just recognizing your still chasing your childhood fantasy of what you wanted it to be that you fail to account for the now.
I mean think about it were playing Super Mario and it comes with 5 lives so, you know if you mess up you have to wait to get a chance to go again especially if you’re playing with others. Its time consuming and aggravating because in that moment all your trying to do is get what you want and not what you need. Its like each day you wake up and say I want this, and you create the impossible and make it happen while some don’t. But what happens when you’re not content with just right now and wanting to cut back on trying so hard because you realized you haven’t lived your life? Survival mode does that to the best of us making us consumed with the past that when we finally get a chance at something new, we stay in a vicious cycle.
That limits us, in our thinking for us to replay our past in our futures and closing opportunities out with individuals who are different because they just aren’t your it. I mean the it that drives you to your job because you fear being broke. The parent who is overly protective because you didn’t have that. The black person who refuses to be black because they don’t want to be seen as just another negro. The girl that didn’t have much so now she’s worked hard to accomplish a lot so that all she is, a lot. See we all have our own story that’s been told a million times not aloud but they way you live, think, and exist with others. We just find ourselves stuck on the first chapter because we don’t create time to read the book. And that book is yours waiting on you to start living your life. Scratching things off your bucket list wont make life any freeing. It just creates a narrative for you to only think about when your time is up.
Those wounds don’t make you conquering you makes you. Ask yourself am I stuck in survival mode struggling to love me and those around me.