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Stuck in the Negative

Changing things take times but it can often become a slow process when your consumed with the negatives of the situation. Deciding to correct a wrong is often hard for some people because they are so focused on the giant versus what it actually takes to do something right. You can do the right things all day long but if your mind isn’t on the same path as you, you can find yourself wondering why change isn’t happening as fast. Because to be dedicated to something you have to be mentally be prepared for the change you seek. It isn’t just waking up and saying I’ll clean my room today and you do it. Meanwhile those old habits are so embedded in you that you fail to recognize the change you desire is hidden deep in your mind.

It’s hidden and buried with old emotions tied to them as well, that’s why some people fear bringing up their past and relationships they have with people. Not just who you used to be but what they did and how you reacted to the pain or dysphoria happening in your life. That it limits all of you in your decision making to be healed and whole. I mean if it’s something that is truly bothering you, do you even stop to sit down and think about the emotion that is tied to it or you automatically assume it’s because of aggravation that you cant see yourself through certain obstacles. I mean that’s a way of thinking.

Going around talking about the problem but not being a solution and becoming overwhelmed with your own emotions that end you up projection them onto other people. I mean I know we are looking to be understood by the world and the people that are in it but what happens when the situation or people your looking to be understanding of you don’t. Do you walk away or continue to force yourself to sit through something that is triggering you? Do you have impulse control meaning you know how to not to react or disturb someone else’s peace because of your discontentment in life or at the moment. I mean these are honest questions you should ask yourself before you go trying to pitch your peace to someone who has no care in the world about your peace.

I mean that would be a pretty draining process and most people who try to go an pitch their peace someone get lost on the path and ends up letting fear overshadow the things they need to express that they end up talking around or going back in places they know they don’t belong. And I’m not talking about acceptance for as your existence but the mess, chaos, the drama, and aggravation that comes with it. Fun fact did you know if you see a rabbit your supposed to chase it away. The rabbit is a reminder of the fear we keep captive and take with us when go to places and talk to people.

My patience lately has gotten pretty thin for people who talk around the issues but at the same desiring to be understood by only letting fear keep up mess. Have you ever seen someone who suffers from anxiety or PTSD that is like the most scariest moment not for you but for them? The rage and emotions that can be displayed can be pretty overwhelming to the point you can also become overwhelmed with the fear. And depending on the emotional response they get from you they may never feel they have a connection with you. I told you guys about how this guy used to send me black magic and would send me all types of magical attacks in my most vulnerable hour to point I thought I was going insane.

The people around me didn’t understand they only tried to go talk to him to recreate the same pain in my life. Meanwhile I was traumatized and consumed with embarrassment because I knew they didn’t know how to help me and wanted to see me weak, so it was a game for them. But the part of me I needed the most was forgiving all of the bullshit an my emotions and the expectations I had with them. I counted the years and time I had with people thinking they would just get it. They didn’t to be honest they barely cared and at this moment in my life I am fine with that. But when I came down off being a victim of someone else pain and how they lived their life I realized that I didn’t have to set myself up to always be so emotional available for things and people to dictate my life.

I mean it sounds pretty cold hearted but me shutting myself in the house because of the shame that came with it and the non-emotional support only made me face myself. I mean who was there with me at the time my 9-year old son soon to be 10 at the time. How was I going to explain to him what was going on with me when he was being bamboozled with meeting his sperm donor a.k.a his father. That is a whole story for another day that I will not talk about at this time. But when I was living in fear, shame, and the excuses of the reasons why this happen and so and so did this. I realized I never went anywhere emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or even financially.

Because I was in this negative time loop. I mean I barely had time for myself I mean every time I turned around, he/they were always creating drama and chaos in my life. He wanted control and anxiety/depression were rain dancing saying you will not win. I mean it was a hell of a fight and I came out on top. I could reason with anxiety because she only happened when I didn’t stand up for myself and sometimes, I believe it was spirit way of getting me away from people who were no good. At least in my case but to know I have put that lady anxiety to bed for good I feel freaking awesome. You can to if you stop second guessing yourself when it comes to the emotions you have for the nouns.

It sucks realizing that you and some people, places, or things will never be the same and that is okay but constantly trying to relive the past while killing your future is cruel to yourself. You are just so focused on trying to feel that you’ll do anything even if it hurts. So, I ask again are you stuck in the negative trying to see the positive when the only positive is to let it go?

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