Sometimes It's Not You It's Me
Out of all my years of being broken up with I don’t think I ever got hit with this line if so let me know if you did because I truly don’t remember. I got this isn't going to work out, we going on a break, and then I found out it was someone else, but ever it’s me not you. Now, before you go off getting your panties and boxer briefs in a bunch this ain’t what you think it is. After the conversation we just had in the car I thought to myself what if the person you are demanding to be accepted cost you your relationship? Ah ha as the toxic couples in the group chat freezes with agony thinking see this is why I don’t want to change. And for me this is all the reasons you should because no matter how bad you get treated by someone or something in life you still crave to be loved, accepted, nourished, and appreciated.
If you say otherwise then why do you do nice things for people even when they don’t even say thank you. Or you smile to the stranger in public or hold the door for the random stranger passing you by. Love doesn’t have to be so depth it could be simple. And for my people who spend they whole 20’s trying to make someone act right why do we never focus on what it is we want right in our life. Why do we let doubt creep in when happiness arises when we find it solely by ourselves. Why do we allow other people to stop us midway in life? And no, I'm not talking about our financial goals but the minuet things we take joy in like finally getting a gym membership, finding friends, changing careers, and going back to school.
Sometimes we can become so codependent upon our partner that when we do anything without them or outside of them it sets them off in the relationships. I seen a 2-minute clip on the internet talking about how a man said he doesn’t like his women independent I get it because he was talking about how he wanted to be everything for his partner. Which is completely impossible because we have her whole emotional concept, she has herself to be established but I knew he was talking about being a supportive partner but the delivery was off. Because the new age feminist who do not like to comprehend before responding was letting that nigga have it. I understood his concept and hers but I thought about what if you guys' just date people who are interdependent?
Wouldn’t that solve everything?
Interdependence- mutual dependence or need, the state of being dependent of one another.
Codependent- a person with an excessive amount or need for emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.
I know saying one thing is another but doing it is a completely other thing too. And people fail to understand that people have types so go date your type and don’t give a fuck what anybody thinks. But I thought to myself that what if you get the person of your dreams and you guys fail to understand each other so bad to the point you desire to leave but you stay out of love and loyalty. What do you do? Find yourself adjusting to all the things in the beginning because it was cute and someone finally gets you but life happens. Careers, kids, marriage, moving in, college, graduation, health, sickness, and finances start taking a toll on you. You three months to a year in and you find yourself not checking in on your friends and you need and outlet.
So, it shouldn’t hurt that you go hang with the guys and girls a couple nights because you need this moment. It isn't the fact you hate your partner it is the fact that you forget life existed outside of this person. It feels good to know that other people care about you and you get to share your secrets and memories with people who once knew you too. But what happens when you replace your friends with your partner and start to escape the problems that exist in the relationship itself? You start throwing around the I'm grown and I can do whatever I want without taking in your partners emotions. And for some of y’all you didn’t notice these bad behaviors in the beginning because you were to engulfed with how they made you feel versus who they are. I mean we all got our fucked-up quirks but somebody gone love it even when someone else don’t want to.
That doesn’t mean you have to stay the same and project this onto to everyone with the idea of take or leave it but also be willing to accept somethings from someone else too. Everybody isn’t perfect but a lot of people don’t even know the person they are in a relationship with neither. And this causes a lot of breakups especially with the ones you love to death. Because as much as you fight for the relationship to stay the same you see this person unwillingly to change or change right before your eyes. And this can hurt when we date or love with the expectancy that love is always available no matter how bad it hurts me, you, them, or they. It's unrealistic because we are human and for some of us we have seen and known when our patience was running out with someone.
But the idea that love was supposed to be enough to make you stay or believe that someone is going to change is crazy as hell to me. Some people they do change, they think to themselves hell no this motherfucker ain’t fina leave me let me get my shit together and for others they don’t. They just watch you from the sidelines thinking I could've did that but I opted out of that experience with you. Because you required me to reach a certain level in my life that I was unwilling to explore with myself. Sometimes every problem in a relationship ain’t always about you sometimes your partner has baggage and skeletons that they aren’t willing to unpack just yet. So, they may self-sabotage, runaway, or you may finally leave.
Life is funny that way and people never stop to think about how they psychologically affect others, hell even their partner at times. I get love, I promote that shit all the time but being in a relationship where you aren’t able to be you or free you is a hell within itself. Sometimes it's not about seeing other people, getting hoes, and having sex. Sometimes it’s the solace you seek from within when you are alone by yourself. The ability to shut out the world even if it is for 5 minutes a day. The ability to say I am live, I can breathe, I am safe, and actually acknowledge who you are.
Sometimes it's not about crying together, it's my ability to cry alone and let you in on the emotions I have experienced away from you. That builds the trust, comfort, solace, chaos, and blissfulness to build within the relationship itself. People forget that humans have freewill and we take for granted how people can share or invite us in their emotional spaces no matter if we have been there before. Moral of the story everybody gets tired but the goal for most is to not quit but when you aren’t heard, acknowledge, or seen some form of change. Why try? I know it may seem like a shitty thing to say but sometimes it's not you it is me.
CIAO