I think I had sex with a closeted gay man in 2014 and I’m perfectly fine with that, but for him not so much. I think for him it was gross how I felt when I first had sex with a guy trying to keep my cover up so my parents wouldn’t know I was gay. I was born in 80’s so coming out was a no no. You either had two choices shut up and force yourself to be something you are not or come out and accept the shame. Times have changed since I was talking to girls and I genuinely like penis now. So, child yall always hear me talk about how I was in vulnerable space after the breakup and operating in my masculine energy was not the highlight of my life. I did not want to feel my emotions. I was sex deprived and scared as hell trying to find someone to have sexual relations with. So, my friends suggested I should try a one-night stand and honestly it did not work to well for me.
I was awkward he was awkward and honestly, I did not care about the sex it was cool to talk to someone because I was lonely. Now, here is the kicker after sex he was trying to poach me into a relationship and I almost went. But it did not feel right I remember when he invited me to his sister house to come over and it was so cringeworthy. I brought my cousin with me because we did not know each other, and he was moving so fast. It was more like he was saying here look I am talking to a girl now. Chile. I honestly, I remember me doing the same thing with my parents several times and they fell for the shit until I caught with a girl. That is another story for another day waiting to be told. But I left because I was still heartbroken and in love with another man, so I left him crushed to deal with reality on his own. And he never got to speak his truth and I don’t think he has sex with a man yet. I think he was looking for someone to bring him the emotional stability that the love of my life had brought me at the time.
I have always been told I have a place of comfort with me that gives people room to be them. So, when I left, I took my comfort with me. He was doing too much for me and that was a turn off. I was being selfish and so was he. If he was honest, I could’ve understood a little better because I had been there before looking for someone to understand me when my family didn’t. I was just as scared as him to have sex because I was having sex with the same person for years. This was new for me so as cringey as it was for him it was for me. Like he wasn’t the guy who I shared my space with for years and that knew me intimately, so I understood his hurt when I left. He tried so hard to make it work with me, but I couldn’t the heart wants what it wants. I was done being weighed down by people who take, who lie, who use, and always wanted what I had and not me. So, the one time I was being selfish I hurted someone who needed me the most.
After all the years of this boy antagonizing me, I now feel like when people go on the Iyanla Fix My Life show. Where the child is mad at their parents for the outcome of their life. The parent is sitting their trying to take all the blame and the child is still communicating from an adolescent mind and not speaking what they need as an adult. Honestly, I didn’t have time to stop and see what it is that he needed because he would always treat me as if I was those people who didn’t or wouldn’t accept him. I think today I noticed how truly sorry I am because when I was 12 year old girl struggling with my sexuality and didn’t know if I wanted to be with a man or a woman the one person who I shared my secrets with died. I was left to face life on my own and I resented my granny for dying because she left me with my mom, and I hated my safe space was gone. I lost friends because they were not accepting of my sexuality and the gay community was horrible, I did not fit in with that crowd.
So, I wrote this blog to say coming out is hard and defining your sexuality can be different when you have an open mind. When your love is gender neutral you can find yourself sometimes confused on which road to take. It is hard trying to be defined by the standard of straight relationships and homosexual relationships. Especially when you are not looking for sex but love and understanding it’s very hard to go with the flow. Your intentions with your sexuality are yours. Long as your practicing safe sex and making sure you are not falling in love with every person who have sex with you should be good. Honestly, I got tired of him talking about the sex we had because I didn’t dislike it but it wasn’t my favorite thing to do. As curious as I am, I was trying something for me and I did not know I was once the people I hated. So, if your reading this I hope this helps you with your journey and being defined by sex is not cool. You have to learn to unlearn the way you lived life once to find out what it is you need to live a happy life.
P.S Go watch Dear Simon