Phase Two (II)

Here we are, all emotionally invested into healing. Pealing back old wounds taking on all the pain that we always ignored. For some of the collective they trying to find another way to emotional suppress their issues again, but nothing seems to work. Not the drugs, sex, or money. I said this dark night of the soul was going to be something serious and a lot of people weren’t going to make it out of it. Because instead facing the truth, we face the reason and choices of why we just cant seem to get over it.

After watching Legacies last night the banshee said the most important thing that humans will always run away from guilt. To me that line in the script spoke a million words to me. Because we always run from the pain we bestow onto others and ourselves. It’s easier to find blame when we are comfortable with the pain that we receive from our own traumas. Moving through grief isn’t always about losing someone at the hands of death. It is the lost we experience in this life that causes to lose pieces of ourselves and our souls.

For those of you that lost someone I wrote a short blog about it linked below.

https://www.phuckyoanxiety.com/post/losing-a-love-one-grief-work

Now I know some of y’all gone read that bold writing and say what a loser. From a person whom has experienced the lost of myself several times I can say it was once upon a time that I was comfortable with the pain that was bestowed upon me. Not all of the times did I feel like I deserved the pain that life gave me or people gave me. Sometimes it was fate, sometimes it was a mistake, sometimes it was intention behind it with no care for my feelings. But I decided one day that enough was enough for me.

Playing out the past don’t work too well me because once it becomes a hindrance to my hedonistic ways… Child, all I’m going to say is that I knew that it was time for me to change. I got tired of being the fixer, the person who cares the least, and the emotional available person to me. I wasn’t looking to blame anyone any more I just wanted to learn how to enjoy life without encountering the same people, places, and things that was bound to bring me problems. And that was getting to know me a little more. If I told you that the tears you cry are the parts of you that is dying for attention. Would believe me?

Your soul knows what you need before you do, true story. It’s hard for people to make it past phase one because in step one its acceptance that comes with the consequences of the choices we make. And after phase one there is literally no turning back because once you decide to change and lie to yourself about it, you will always remind yourself subconsciously. Meaning the sigh you take before you take that shot because your too tired to go to sleep. The lover you call for sex when all you want is to be emotionally acknowledged.

The job you drive too and say lord please don’t let these people get on my nerves because we know the problems that comes with it. Child that is purely intentional and unintentional at the same time how we know how our fates align. The times you pull up in the driveway with a deep sigh because your too exhausted for your children, lover, and home that all you want is peace. But what if I told you that the peace you seek isn’t outside of you. It starts from within.

But the fact that humans are designed to emotionally deny themselves happiness and exhaust all there energy into things that will bring them happiness EVENTUALLY, always gets me. Because if sweetie don’t like it she’s not doing it. You can call me nonchalant and a rule breaker but baby when you have found yourself trying to find yourself at the end of a blunt, a bottle, or a lover that just doesn’t get you because you don’t. Child you gone fight for that bliss of happiness by any means necessary. It’s like when you finally move to a place of self acknowledgment it becomes hard to lie to you.

Because when you’re so accustomed to taking on everybody’s perception of you, you rarely have time to get to know the real you. Child, Scorpio season did it’s thing all the way up into December because it was the things we didn’t say, but the things we did that spoke our true intentions out loud. That it left our souls so bare and naked while being fully clothed. All while at the same time saying you don’t know me how dare you say this is who I am.

When it was truly who we are and the things we keep sacred in the wounds of our deepest traumas that motivate us to run away from us. Child, I been there and it wasn’t nothing pretty about needing a hug one day and the next day being completely fine while falling apart the next day. That’s you finally acknowledging what you need to be human in this world. And in order to get to the next phase you have to be comfortable with falling apart but not staying in broken pieces. Because no matter how much you push to go forward, you’ll always circle back for the missing pieces that you didn’t value enough. Because it wasn’t important at that time.

Welcome to phase one and I hope to see make it to the other side. Because the games are about to begin are you willingly to risk you again because your so accustomed to who you thought you were.

Signed,

By A Nigga That’s Been Hiding In Plain Sight..