I’m back off of my sabbatical. Child, I have been in my skin when I jump out you don’t jump in. Well, a topic that seems to go no where is the co-parenting relationship dynamic. The topic alone doesn’t go much further than child support, fathers being fathers, and mothers being mothers. But we never talk about how the relationship with our parents affects us being the parent we need to be for our child.
Because in the southern part of the country if you’re not married, financially stable, or always serving to your kids then you being a parent really doesn’t matter. If you go against the grain or unable to follow the typical rules and regulation, then your style of parenting doesn’t matter. A lot parent only go against the grain of how they parents raised them because they think there child will turn out differently.
Only to shun and dismiss that child because they didn’t turn out a certain way because the way their parent raised them could’ve been better but the areas of consequences, they received for doing wrongs where behaviors their parents didn’t know how to fix. And fix sometimes can be a tricky word because fix is to imply that something is broken or need to be done over correctly. But to enlighten and teach is to show someone that can do something a better way.
In this blog we will hit on several topics such as parenting, co-parenting, and blended families. I know I been gone but hopefully this can be more notes you can add to your journal in your book of life.
Parenthood has its good days and bad days but what happens when you don’t receive the movie feelings and the happy ending that we assume everyone else had when they were a child. The TV I tell you, nawl its just old folks and that hierarchy they expect us to live up to. Being a parent has it perks and quirks but what happen when you don’t procreate with the right person. It can give you 18 years of hell of 18 years of peace you decide.
But in most cases some people don’t decide because in the moment of love or passion babies can be made from any emotions. In that moment life happens and what you decide to do with it is on you. But what happens when you come from a home where people always complained about the many of kids your mom had. Or the lack of love you felt you didn’t receive because parents had to work to provide but missed your recitals. Or the disconnect that goes in a family that pushed you into thinking that when you got older that you would never treat your kids a certain way.
Only for life to tear you up and build you down over and over again until it wanted you to admit defeat. When in actual reality it was teaching you to let go of the paradigms that no longer served you. Because while you were condemning others of their said behaviors unconsciously you were acting the same behavior that mirrored your environment. The only difference was you thinking you were doing it your way. When in actual reality it was the same.
The problem with having kids is because before the baby is born the overwhelming pressure from society is to be a great mom and great dad. And for you not to live like your parents have. Its funny how we want out kids to come from two parent home when we don’t even know what a two-parent home ever felt like. And no, I’m talking about your mother and father being together. I’m talking about the role of a woman and the role of man.
And for you, homophobes don’t run with that sentence because y’all will try it.
But I’m talking about the love and support, trust, honesty, stability, and protection that all starts at home before you get married or have kids. Majority of the collective of women who experience disdain with their child’s father is because he is the man that your father was or is. He also is the man the mother once hated and shaped her into the being she is today. That causes you to chase after men who you think should fit you, but they don’t.
I told yall a long time ago that our parents only knew what they knew but its your job to take that baton and get to the end of the relay race. Majority of men who experience challenges with their child mothers is because he becomes to fascinated with the idea of becoming a man that he fails to recognize he is going to be a father. So, when its time for him to step up excluding the relationship you have with him, he takes off in the opposite direction.
Leaving the feminine to bare the bulk of load raising kids who become burden by the idea of having kids or being in a relationship. Most people who have kids don’t even identify with the parts of themselves they honestly know. You know the old saying my kids come first. Now keep in mind I know what people mean but some people live by this so much that they children end up hurting their feelings because of their expectations.
Because while they were off trying to be mommy and daddy all the time, they forgot to have a life. Like falling in love and trust with themselves came last. So being a parent all the time comes like second nature to who they are causing them to live a life full of their children needs only.
Now this gone be short and sweet. Because co parenting can be tricky for those who are in a relationship and married as well. It’s not always the ones with the baby mama and baby daddy dynamic because couples sometimes can get caught up in routines to where they rely on one to parent more than the other.
Because of old fascist rules of a woman raising the kids and the man goes to work and pushes the typical father agenda. Leaving an imbalanced parental affect in the home where the house becomes divided amongst the parents. To where children can play games and cause parents to be at odds with each other. It’s crazy how them gender roles be tearing up the straight community.
Leaving kids to feel entitled to busines they shouldn’t know, boundaries not being implicated in the relationships, and trust being broken because they lack communication and understanding of roles. If you think I’m lying why you think your go to response is to reprimand your child to stay in a child’s place after they have gotten on your nerves. When you heal you, see how the you in you affected others and your children as well.
Your spouses aren’t your mother or father sometimes you do end up in situations like that though. We gone have a conversation about how we are finishing off our parent’s karma because they didn’t have the courage too. But I digress!
Is two people from two different families deciding to join in marriage with a person or dating someone who has children outside of the ones they decide to have together. The funny thing about blended families that causes a lot of issues is people fail to recognize that when they son or daughter get married; they are gaining a child. Now some people don’t believe in marriage, so some parents find it difficult to accept their child lovers.
Causing problems in the relationship because they feel their relationship isn’t real until they sign a piece of paper. Now when we go into adding children into the mix it becomes difficult. Because women have these horrible horror stories of other women that sometimes it can be hard opening to them because we can be emotionally bias. If you have read Black Family Values, Hyper Masculinity, Hyper Femininity, and my other Co-Parenting blog then you know where this conversation is going.
Because the time two grown individuals take time to say this is my man/woman and that’s my baby mama/father is old and annoying as hell. That two adults going back and forth causes a strain on the relationship with the kids. Because people fail to recognize the respect a child tends to have for a parent no matter how shitty you think they are. So, when the child who experience a form of love from a parent and not in the way you think they should be one. Causes a disconnect with you and your own child before you add in a lover.
Because women sometimes have this ability of trying to make everyone feel their emotions when its not our job too. That’s not empathic that sympathetic this is why the collective of women is calling out toxic femininity. Because it seems like we are all running round like a chicken with our head cut off and linking up with people based off of their pain.
So, when the child doesn’t experience the same anger or rage for the father you do as parent you can also detach from your child as well. And if you get the wrong lover in your life, he can cause hell in your life with your kids. Because unlike our parents they taught us how to survive for as getting jobs they didn’t teach us about love they showed us trauma bonds and struggle love. Because nobody talks about finding the right mate when you have kids because mysteriously your supposed to stay with your baby father! -_-
And some men don’t even know how to stand their ground this day and age without trying to break his woman or feminine down because she can be folly. A lot of men don’t know the meaning of protection and stability because they automatically assume it’s always a financial aspect. There are men out who will accept your kids and raise them like they are their own. But one thing they ain’t gone do is put up with you treating him like you treat your baby daddy.
A real man that y’all be praying for gone accept everything that come with you and be willing to work with you no matter what. He ain’t gone care about that child support money and what that nigga ain’t doing because he been prepared to do what it is you need. And the same goes for women too because it be some single fathers out here that get into relationships and be acting like a single mother of 3. Like it ain’t some women out here that will genuinely be interested in growing with you, your children, and building a real relationship with them.
Next time we gone have to break this part down a little more. But just know being in a blended family relationship isn’t about a parent being loved the children need it too. That same structure you needed as a child somebody else children maybe the missing pieces in your story to help you fulfill your dreams. The goal of a team is to work through each other weakness and to not use those weakness for other people to take advantage and cause the team to fall apart.