Watch how you reconnect with people who you haven’t seen in a lifetime? After yesterday’s thoughts and conversation, I thought about the time me and lifelong friend who reconnected and my life went to shit extremely fast. We never ended on bad terms, but the connection would always be a phased-out energy. Like I would see her out and be like hey we should link up and each time we would never link up. Fast forward to how my life spiraled out control while dealing her was because we had the same damn problems going on at the same time.
Child, I was leaving a toxic nigga and so was she and like many women we use those emotional wounding’s as superpower to make friends with people we shouldn’t. I keep telling y’all true strength is knowing when and when not to be vulnerable. But the fact that I felt like she could understand what I was going through because we were going through the same things is quite inhumane to me. Because on this journey I have learned that some people don’t have to always go through what you been through to help you out in life.
If they have been through it, it has to been someone who has mastered it and no longer identify with that pain in them anymore. Not the whole it happened let’s move and act as if it didn’t happen, baby that’s toxic. As a runner who has always ran affair from emotional complicated situations because I felt like it took so much out of me to address what the issue was. Child let me tell you life was on the other side of the door like, “Hello Clarice”. Child talk about the trauma porn I had going on in my life at one point in time. The horror, the pain, and the agony as I yell out being dramatic as fuck for no reason. But let get back on subject.
The valuable lesson I learned in life was to stop and think about the things I needed from life for once. Because the shame I had in crying and emotionally expressing my self was a lot for me at one time, because being an independent person that rarely like to ask people for help it took a major toll on me. The nouns I had in my life new my story so well, well the emotions I showed at the time rarely gave me the empathy I needed to get through those tough times. So, when I had seen someone that I had knew from previous cycles with life I thought this was Divine throwing me a bone. When it was the complete opposite now granted by me running away from my problems actually kind of fun.
Because I had someone to party with, drink with, smoke with, and live recklessly with that didn’t ask me about my problems. For once in life I felt like I was safe well that is actually what I wanted. To be cared for in a way that I felt I cared for others as the same. Well, child that was a bullshit ass fantasy I had that came crumbling down so fast that it made it my damn head spin. Because the older you get life teaches you stop caring about yourself and to start caring about life more than you. Well to hell with that logic that’s why narcissist wreak havoc because they don’t give a damn about you or anyone but themselves.
The fair share that I learned from fucking with this b**** is to be weary of my own emotions and motives because just as much we don’t know someone it is times, we barely know ourselves. I hadn’t taken in account where I was mentality and how living under my own suppression had led me to think that I didn’t have free will in this lifetime. O how quickly was I reminded of that, but if she wanted to go out for drinks to catch up and I had better time management and emotional management. Then she wouldn’t have caused so much damn drama in my life.
I would have seen that pain doesn’t affect everyone the same. Growing up black the last thing we are taught is to process our emotions and that we have no voice until we are 18 and have our own house. Hell, this is why half the population walking around brain dead because they always being told what to do and what they can’t do. I’m telling you niggas is the new slaves masters. I’m not saying that you’re supposed to be running off calling people karmic’s and that the past is out to get you. No sometimes your past need more attunement before you go off galloping into the future.
Now this don’t mean sitting around being the same person, doing the same things, and letting that mind freak you every day. No, we all are allowed to change but the question is can you? But I am also a believer of those people who like to change the things they used to look like they have changed as a person. It’s not your job to go off sizing up a person as to who they used to be and to who they are now. It’s only your job to evolve you as a person so that when you run across or come in contact with people like this you can learn how to say no with confidence.
Without feeling like you have to go back and give something another chance when you know in your heart that it may not be for you. Sidenote don’t be out here using this as a cop out if you and somebody be having minor disagreements. This is a not an excuse to rekindle abusive, toxic, and emotional manipulative relationships. Now again people can change but if you haven’t genuinely changed then how will you know someone else has. Take it from a Scorpio who has dealt with a lot of trauma bonded relationships where I used to make people prove their loyalty to me. Then I’ll get mad when they couldn’t because if I valued them like I said I did why did, I make them go through all those hoops knowing deep down inside they would fail me.
Because I knew at the time I didn’t believe I could change and accept the fact that I needed change the most. Be careful with them metaphysical pleas you put out in the universe because y’all be asking for change and don’t be prepared for it the way you say you do. As we are moving forward into this new year which will a number a 6 year be weary of your own emotions because the number six is equated to the human weakness. The way we seek support, solace, peace, clarity, assistance, and love. People pretend well so while we in this number 5 year get comfortable with the uncomfortable because Divine trying to show you something.
Don’t be out here trying to cling to the old ways of doing things when you know it’s time to let it go and seek better things out of life. That don’t mean trying to go off and recreate it another way because somethings are just once in a lifetime.
Here a link where I can a couple references to what I’m talking about.