LETTER TO MY EX:
I hope you find love in the most random place that sparks a joy in your heart and you contemplate making the best decision that is benefited for you. I hope in that one moment you see true love for what it is and it plagues you with the doubt and the idea with have I ever felt a love like this before. The kind that makes you want to change, the kind that brings fear, peace, tranquility, love, and a response. The kind that makes you want to change, stumble over your words, to laugh from your inner child, and finally know what it feels like to be accepted in a manner you have never been for. The kind of love that robs you of your comfort zone and dares you to be different for once.
To challenge you to be a better man not only for love but for yourself. For you to finally see the meaning for your own life and not by the guise of others. Trying to meet others' expectations and feeling like you are falling behind when it's you who is so focused on being things you are not. Your lack of self-acceptance has been your greatest downfall to point it leaves you emotionless while your tears bleed red all over of the town and you cry about your broken heart. While you never stop to see how you have hurt others along your own path. The gratification you seek is inside you but your always too busy looking elseward instead of inward. Your need to manipulate your emotions to fit others has always been your biggest downfall. This is what leads you down the long corridor of a meaningless terror of what you call is love.
Seeking for me to fix or correct you when it was never my job to do such, I just overstayed my welcome in your life when I knew it was time for me to grow up and go on. The meaningless emotional battles you put women through making them think I am the enemy when your only enemy is love. You know I never thought it was love, I don’t think I was love, I think I may have been comfort, contentment, and support. Those things can be said to be love but as a whole I don’t think I was and if was I was to damage to see it as such. A cold-hearted girl facing the big bad wolf alone decided to make someone else my home. The days I yearned to be understood while at the same time making it uncompromising for you to understand me while making it miserable for us to love me.
While you turn around and do the same things with those people who say they love you. I think it’s imperfectly selfish to make people fight for your love when your too scared to love but hurt people hurt people right. As I say that with such a sarcastic rebuttal, while swooping my hair behind my ear like the perky white girl in a rom-com yelling out shimmy my tits. I used to be you emotionally confused and full with hate because when I decided to move, I felt I left a piece of my life behind. Searching for blame while at the same time wanting to run back to the past for comfort is what I couldn’t do. Divine made me hate you for the things you couldn’t do like save for me for fucking once but I knew you couldn’t.
You were the one who always needed to be saved and I don't say that in a bad way it's in certain areas my strengths where your weakness and my weakness were your strengths. Instead of sharing the things I learned about you and from you I hid them because they were my safe keeping. It gave me reason a to love you when I couldn’t and other days it grew the greatest hatred that anyone can ever feel in a lifetime. They say love and hate cannot exist in the same place but I beg to differ because somedays I beat the odds. But watching you struggle for something that it is you don’t want. Because you don’t want to be honest and say I was a safe place is starting to drive me insane and become annoyed with you.
I used to think that one day you would get your shit together and come back and love me right but God didn’t see it as planned because the more I grew I started to grow away from you. It seems like every time we meet or talked it always was the same like I had to rescue you when I am looking for that myself. Not someone to alleviate my burdens but someone I can cry with, laugh with, see me win, and not afraid to love me out loud. To have to not worry about always getting it together where the relationship always feels like a damn sacrifice 24/7. We know that struggle love oo to well and I dared to break free from the shackles of the past, and once I got a taste of life outside of trauma I kinda liked it. It hurt, I got boo boos, took a bunch of losses, but one thing for show I ever folded.
It's plenty of days I wanted to erase the misgivings of our past and call you and say I finally fucking did it but life never played it out to be that way. See you got big headed and that was never the goal we were supposed to stay down until we came up and when you got up you changed on me. I always knew the day would come but good God, I never thought it would’ve played out like it has the way it did. I remember watching Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confession Of A Marriage Counselor scared to leave you. Because I had big dreams and I never told you but I conditioned myself to form a love with you that limited me. I always thought that was going to be me but little did I know I had the whole thing off. It's funny how a little girl with so much power didn’t know how manage it on own.
So, when I vowed to live my life, I finally meet the Big Bad Wolf and she was me I finally had the courage to put her down so that I can love me properly. She led me to be alone, isolated, humiliated, broke, discourage, and she made me feel like a failure. Like I couldn’t win because I was in a constant battle with myself trying to be a better woman it’s like the past, the pain, the trauma, and choices I made just wouldn’t leave me alone. That’s all I wanted was to be was alone but this project taught me that we are never alone even when we think we are. There is always someone watching whether that is God, The Stars, The Moon, and even The Devil.
After all those years of running I finally learned what it was like to choose me for once. It may have been a hell of ride but I wouldn’t be here today if I didn’t bet on me. So, go be free you need this to finally let go of the one thing that holds you back which is me. I think I’m the only person who doesn’t judge you because I don’t give a damn to be honest. But remember one thing life will always be on the other side you just have to choose to live.
STARS DON'T SHINE WHEN THE SUN IS OUT THEY SHINE IN YOUR DARKEST HOURS! -#PYA