KNOWING WHEN TO GIVE GRACE OR LENIENCY:
As I sit and think to myself, I say what is going on with the human race? Why are people not authentically weird anymore? Why is everything an aesthetic or a vibe? And what is this forcing of ways on other people? Oddly though that I do believe in the evolution of self and self-mastery because your change affects others but we do need people. But how do you need people when people are so forced on being something they don’t want to be all the time. Like when do we genuinely hold space for ourselves like to connect, to disconnect, fall apart, to feel, and to love anything beyond you. Like when did it not become normal to not make mistakes. And when I say this, I don’t mean to promote the act of it but genuinely understanding that you are wrong and change is needed.
As a person that is oddly supposed to under a lot of social pressure I really could care less because the vibe they have I just can’t jig with it. It reminds me of the old social paradigms I used to have where I used to dumb or numb myself down to just feel like I'm present in the room. When I recognized I didn’t belong there not because they didn’t value you me it’s just that I outgrew so many places. And understanding this came with a lot of push back from some people because they act as if I murdered their dog. If I was to curse them out, having a fall out, and missing the point of the matter would've given me more grace than deciding to be a human. Which was to start to honor my emotions and TO understand that I needed a place to unevolve. You know where you can be childish, vent, lose myself, and have that identity crisis even if it was sobbing on the floor because I had to get for work and try tomorrow again.
I noticed that we as humans rarely have these moments at times because we don’t have people in our lives that are aware of what is happening at the time. BUT LET SOCIAL MEDIA TELL IT WE ARE ALWAYS SUPPOSED TO PUT THIS OUT THEIR FIRST! You remember when you used to be fucking up and you had that elder that used to say come here right quick and let me tell you something. It wasn’t to be mean or malicious but you knew you needed to hear what was said. Now, you may not did apply the advice but knowing you were heard and accepted was love itself. As I find myself holding the title of a healer, I find that people think I am supposed to hold this space always. You know how the Big Mama of the families would always be a listening ear to all. For some they liked the stay they had here on earth which was doing nothing but giving love but I rarely found those people receiving it back in the way they would’ve wanted it.
I noticed that elders rarely had space for them. They just had to keep on pushing and striving to survive instead of living their life. And to the ones that did that have support you know when the Hotep's gets wind up they talk about these organizations, communities, groups, and affiliations they had. That’s what I am talking about we lack that this day and age because we are so busy ostracizing each and every little thing that we are afraid to live our own lives this day and age. If isn't with a phone, to be in love, or to have this dire need to make this overwhelming amount of money then we are not living when I beg to differ. When I look back on pictures of elders having a great damn time with nothing, isn’t that the true meaning of spirituality to be content with nothing but not to go without it.
To have some state of oneness and say that everything is going to be alright because I have you and you have me but again where is this leadership. I am not talking about a person holding a torch and fighting for equality but the domino affects where we the change being embodied by genuine sources because we are tired of the same. Aren't we tired of the trauma porn we have with life, the people who don’t know boundaries, and all of the rule's society has set on us to be a friend and to make them. What happen to good times and good vibes? Every time I turn around it’s like everyone is handed this same script and we do this and we do this but what about what the fuck I need is what I say to myself. No, I am not passive but I do know how to exit stage left because the things people are doing, they ARE really getting away with a lot of shit.
And a person who has dealt with a massive amount of trauma from these so call higher ups I see why the kindness in humanity is dissipating right in front of our face. It's like they so damn numb to they fucked up reality that they think we as societal beings are supposed to be comfortable in their state. And they say we are free girl bye. Because these emotional shackles they try to keep us tethered too every time we get some form of fucking happiness because they can’t control the narrative is getting on my damn every lasting nerve. It's like when the fuck do these niggas rest and for so many people to have bias beliefs, social beliefs, economical beliefs, hierarchy, rules and shit, and racial beliefs when the fuck did these niggas start getting the hell along. Because I remember when it was no you can't sit with us or they are peasants so we don’t need to interact with them.
So, why in the hell do they feel so freely to come sit and play with us. It's like these people are the bullies of the playground. And they want us to go somewhere else and when we do, they see us having fun and they get mad because they can’t join. Nobody never said we don’t' want to hang out but dealing with a takeover spirit who heightens the mood of anxiety, depression, fear, and social angst nobody wants to deal with that. Like when you get off work don’t you want to have cold one, smoke a cigarette, roll that blunt, or go shopping for the weekend to escape the week madness. So, why do people feel like they are entitled to our moments of decompression? At first, I used to feel the pressure of constantly uploading content because of my subscribers because that is the relationship, we have built with them. Honestly, I think this limit me on the Patreon thing because once people start paying for it baby, they expect some type of continuation with they dollars.
But as I strive forward on my path and I make to finish line which I have been sitting at the bitch for the longest dealing with this move why the fuck do I find so many people trying to keep in a cycle of trauma versus seeing my progression forward? I know the answer because when I am gone, I am not fucking with some people. Baby the way these motherfuckers have done me so got damn dirty baby I don’t think I would give them a cup of water. The way they have disregarded my whole entire fucking life it’s like the audacity of these people to think we could ever be friends. So, I scroll social media from time to time and see it’s not only me how in life we don’t have no forms of escapism. The city I stay in they have no main attractions anymore because this capitalism and real estate bullshit is making us bored.
If I wanted to wind down, I ask myself where the hell could I go if I was on a budget besides going to get a bite to eat? No, where. It’s nothing and I don’t say this to diss those hard workers who have opened restaurants and started business no I am talking about where you can genuinely see people. People who are invested in the moment, that are not zombies of the phone, or too self-conscious of what others think so they hide in plain sight. I remember when I used to go in the mall as a kid and see people and they were shopping, hanging with their friends, spending time with their family, or throwing money in the wishing well. These people were alive and present in the matrix. They didn’t stop going because it wasn’t trendy or it too many people there. No, they got up because it was something to do and that bad mood just seemed to evaporate because they were apart of society and not an agenda.
To keep some business a float or being worried about marketing all the time. Because we know when marketing becomes more about money the product seems to differ or the prices sky rocket for no reason at all. And they take away all of the good things that used to make things fun because no they are just focused on the money. And I get it nobody wants to be broke but I don’t go to the same stores just because they have my favorite cookies. No, I go because of the people who I see whether we speak or not. The vibe, the place, the acoustics, or just because I'm bored sometimes, and I don’t want to sit in the house. I think me or if you agree miss the blah of it all. When we didn’t have to wake up every day and feel like we have to just keep pushing. I mean this isn't even the natural occurrence of avoidance if we are being honest this is giving sheer borderline depressive.
But I wrote my rant to say that is okay to give new people a try. Be honest, be strong in your boundaries, and keep believing and fighting for what you want. Everybody isn’t out to get you and everybody doesn’t mean you no harm. To be caught up in the mind frame of always wanting to know what’s next stops you in the now so you rarely have time to appreciate what is new. Learn to speak up and say no but also know when to give someone a chance before you categorize everybody in the same box. Learn your inner editor so you’ll know when to give all of you in a room and when to be present with you with people who adore just you.
I MIGHT GET ON LIVE OR JUST DO UPLOADS! BUT A HOE TIRED!