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Just One of Them Days

When the hurt doesn’t hurt anymore and there’s still an emotional sting life can be tricky. You’ll find yourself gravitating toward old wounds thinking you haven’t healed them because it’s still some emotional currency that needs to be paid. Maybe its tears that need to be shed or maybe it’s the actual reality that it doesn’t hurt anymore, its just that what happened to you changed your viewpoint on life.

After all the things you have healed through is to have the audacity to act like you have never healed anything before is a slap in the face to you. Triumphing times that has created many memories of happiness only to be shunned down an oppressed because of old wounds. Have you ever stopped to ask your ask yourself why is this coming up? Is it a need for this right now?

That’s one of the greatest questions that has happened to help me when I was dealing with my fair of anxiety. I’m firm a believer it’s not everybody business what you go through because you have people who know how to work your emotions. After today and a long sigh of non-relief I found in the midst of some disturbing emotions. Because a person who has harmed in many ways has the time to go off and prey on many women weakness.

You would think by this person that has experienced some childhood trauma that he would have some sort of understanding for others who has experienced this said hurt. Not this guy he is his oppressor. I have said many of times this guy treats me as if I am the guy who stole his innocence. This is why he gets off on stealing people light. A lot of times when we talk about childhood sexual trauma, we always bring up the cliché topics of hypersexuality or sexuality differences.

But we never talk about how people take on the trait of power to subdue people to their will because of the control they lacked as experiencing childhood sexual trauma. Some people have physical removed themselves form those environments while still managing the psychological strong hold their rapist or offender has over them. I think it’s pretty tough for men and young boys to go through this at young age because of the need to be strong creates the narrative that being controlling is cute.

I’m not saying no gender is different but I noticed this in this one individual when he could never get his way how he would lie, manipulate, cause chaos, and madness the same that mirrors the pain from when he was a little boy. How some man took away his innocence an instead being able to feel his emotions he was coddled and pacified that created a demon that only exist when he is getting attention to through pain.

I should’ve known that when he would call himself a masochist. See most people automatically assume it is equated to cause some sort of physical pain onto a sexual partner when it can be the polar opposite. It could be the way a person causes confusion, gaslight, and mental strong hold that keeps you lost and dependent on them and what do psychologists call this a Narcissist? After doing several of studies most people who overindulge in emotional hurt, humiliation, and secondhand embarrassment can cause deep rooted psychological issue. You can go and read a couple of psych books or google it.

The information is at your disposal. I watched countless of times of how I became a victim of his madness and at times I feared speaking up because I wouldn’t be heard because the stories, he placed in society rung as some truth to others. You know me why bother, people will find out what they need to know when they need to. But today the bitch struck a nerve.

I’ve have watched this man maneuver his way through crowd’s unseen to the naked eye because people where oblivious to his moves and they still were operating in hurt. It kind of hurt because I kind of got a soft spot for this individual and I have seen her overcome so much and to see him lie and prey on her feelings to bring up old wounds because he was looking for attention was quite sickening to me.

It brung back days where I would cry mercifully to God to help me, to heal me, and to remove him from my life. I found myself going in and out of the emergency rooms broke and trying to parent my child while managing a bad break up all to find out it just a panic attack. I didn’t want to feel emotions I wanted the memories to fade away, but I learned quickly that healing don’t work that way.

I discovered some truths about myself that you just can’t stop a fighter and I’m not a quitter, so it was hard for him to knock me down. I watched this man steal from me, I watched this man placed mental illness on me, I watched him break me and friends up, and I sat back as he constantly sent magical attacks. I let him lie on me to the world about how awful I was I watch him reap my abundance my ancestors gave me only for him to fuck it up.

I watch him steal from my mouth to feed people who wouldn’t give a damn if he lived or died. The psychological abuse I endured many would’ve not survived. I watched people who I thought were friends turn in to foes and other who didn’t know how to help watch me cry in dismay. And each day I thank God for being able to bounce back because he’s still stuck in that misery.

Each day he breathes and lives I know his soul will always be in torment no matter how much love and light I send. I ain’t never tried to help somebody so damn much only to recognize you cant help a snake, a snake will always be a snake it will shed some skin form time to time but he’ll still be a snake. I watched this man get in front of other men and tear me down to the point they wouldn’t find me desirable. I watched this man go behind my back and fuck with things in my life.

I let this man be great whenever he would put on for the masses, I know my truths so the hurt and pain people would impose on me I learned really quick it wasn’t my hurt to bare.

I watched this man hunt for my truths to only recognize he is a liar only to reap his own wrong doings. I watched this man curse his whole damn bloodline trying to be a God while a divinely pause is at play only to rack up more karmic debt. But today I had enough if I could put him down I would because pity don’t get you shit, and sympathy don’t bring nothing but haters. It’s always going to be somebody saying what you could’ve did, what you should’ve did, and what you need to do. WELL I DIDN’T!

I turned out pretty darn fine. I think today I just got tired of him trying to make me go back to the person he was that’s all narcissist do the pain you feel is the pain the feel they is why they discard you because in their mind your useless. Until somebody see that those roots that look like weeds start baring fruit again.

I never truly pitted a soul because every time he got a taste of his own karma, he would always find a way to back pedal and pussy pop his way out of it in my FUNKY DINVEA VOICE! I just wanted to say be mindful of who you say your pain with because its some folks who’ll play on that same hurt. Be mindful of who you share your light with because it some folks that will still cause you some darkness, thinking the sun wont shine again.


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