Hurt People Hurt People!

Hurt people hurt people has to be one of the most cliche, but true statements that has been ever stated. Everyday we get a second chance at life to start over to be better than we actually were before, but truth is we don't. Switching from reality to virtual world "social media" has glamorized toxicity and letting pain be our motivation. Truth is, if something hurts it just hurts finding the remedy is the path we got lost on. It has become so normalized to hurt in silence and suppress our emotions because we're not allowed too vent or communicate what actually is bothering you without it being described as complaining. Each human emotions varies so does our senses. So, the way you normally communicate wouldn't be excusable because of the tonality. Especially by me being an urban African American woman. The strength we are to bare are times can be damaging to body and mind that any form of weakness or vulnerability can't be expressed without the extra rah rah.

In my up bringing if you didn't know pain you didn't know strength which equally was painful trying too balance the two. It became a battle with myself saying I can't cry because that's what girls do.You know the label you're too emotional or doing too much that emotional awareness wasn't my best trait. Being exposed to the tough love made me gravitate towards things, people, and place that where tough on me as a whole. Leaving me with the mind frame of thinking if it didn't hurt me or if I didn't hurt others, did I or them really value the relationship we have? After awhile managing my emotions with marijuana didn't help so much because I was codependent on something to keep me sane in toxic environments. To light up a joint after a long day to enjoy the relaxation went away pretty fast once I stayed in this hard body lifestyle. Meaning if you hurt me it's cool even if loved you because this what a cycle of being in hurt will do to you. Being exposed to the same things over and over again will have taking that same emotional thinking with every where you go.

I think it clicked for me in 2012 after my last miscarriage I think emotionally I wasn't in a good space, my job was ending, my lover was selfish, and I was the strong friend. So, here I was stuck with the pieces of my life that I created through hurtful experiences. I mean it's hard to ask for love from people who you treat shitty and others who're reliant on you for emotional support. So, I was stuck in the mind frame of let me get through these experiences with people by damaging them purposely. I'm a commitment phobe, but at the time my loyalty made me so miserable so no matter how many times you would ask I would give in eventually. After you not noticing that I didn't want to do something I would cut off the connection with people because I was hurt by the actions of others. So, if you valued me you would understand why I left and you would understand your actions of why this happen. You know that ole I whooped you because I loved you rhetoric was my motto. Whew I was a toxic little thing.

Communication isn't big in the black community because of this whole respect your elders dogma and talking back was considered disrespect. Even if you asked a question they didn't know they just shut you down and your emotions leaving you with the feeling of that's a topic you don't touch. So, growing through life seeing my elders do this for years left me horrible communication skills as a teen and as an adult. It left me secretive as heck, unable to open up, and unwilling to show emotion over time. As the years went by I seen I damaged connections with people over stupid things that could've been communicated; and prolonged relationships with people that should've been cut off. As I started to evolve in my thinking I noticed other people didn't have my problems so it made things awkward between us because when you're use to dysfunction you also learn how to create it. Over several talks with other elders they called me out on my wrongs and my elders, me being so family driven I couldn't see my family was wrong because it's family.

My human existence was flawed the reality I created to be different and perfect wasn't my truth, it was the truth my ancestors had created for me. Like any other child being young, naive, and full of live I didn't know adulthood freaking sucks. Working sucks, paying bills sucks, and at times being bored can suck also. I never stopped to think why was the people I encountered daily was so angry, mean, and down right disgusting towards one another. Until reality hit again in 2014 and I had to deal with a heart that I didn't break. This individual was down right cruel. I mean if I could get off on an arson charge I would because somethings he did were unbearable. As the years evolved my spiritual journey did also and here comes my ancestors again for warning me and letting me know you can't reason with someone whose dead set on being hurt. Don't get me wrong I said I was toxic little cunt and I owned it and I work hard daily to let that heifer rest cause lord knows she be ready to cause hell on the drop of a dime. It hit me when a child is cranky they cry, when they're hungry they cry, when they hurt themselves they cry. So, why when adults do it we don't understand the behavior, correct it or dismiss it? Because they're grown and they should know better, but what if they aren't taught to be better humans.

That for me was my wake up call to say whatever your going through in your adult life that you can't communicate is running you. "Have you ever heard the old saying you gone let child run you crazy?" Well I noticed that a lot of adults do it, I did it and didn't know it. I'm not justifying any harsh experiences you have experienced, but when we get in the mind frame of being aware to check ourselves we actually check off what we're not willing to tolerate. This moves us out of the mindset of saying "this is just how I am". "Well life wasn't fair to me so I will do the same to others." My favorite line of all is "ALL MEN AIN'T S***!" Most of the time we don't stop to listen to what people say because we're to busy doing what we think is important that we never stop to say why do you feel that way? Have you ever been turned off by how someone thinks? Ugh and a heavy negro sigh. All I'm saying is the next time you go to local store or fast food restaurant greet the worker and smile. You never what the customer was like that was in front you and the same for the worker you never know what someone was dealing with before they entered your space. All it takes is a simple hello or a smile for someone to feel noticed.

So, the next time your about to explode or implode all your problems onto someone ask yourself is this really what I'm trying to communicate at the moment. Like children don't know how to communicate adults at times don't know how to also. Sometimes we need to be honest about the things we need even if hurt others. You have the right to be selfish with you in a non selfish way. A little tact can go along way and a little quiet time can never hurt some one. Your anger, your hurt, and your lower level emotions can cost you valuable relationships that money can't fix. If you don't understand you how can we understand you. Go see that counselor, therapist, priest, shaman, reiki specialist, psychiatrist, cognitive behavior specialist , or anger management class. Every action has a reaction so it's time to get honest about your behavior and the behavior you allow yourself to put up with. I think we all need an emotional break.