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How long do you hold on, before what you hold on to kills you?

Before I get into the blog I would just like to state that the only experience I have in America is being a black woman. So, when it comes to multicultural issues and you see the word black and you're a woman/ male of another ethnicity please don't take offense or feel left out. This love is everybody if you can't relate I understand, if not that's okay quality content is the on the way. In the black community the black woman is defined by how much she willing to put up before she actually breaks before a man feels valued. As messed up as it seems this is the reality that we live in till this day and has created the term TOXIC MASCULINITY. As a black woman I'm too be resilient, a cook, maid, a mother, nurturer, a friend, a therapist, a doctor, a lawyer, basically everything for everybody except myself. Growing up under these rules it created a narrative for me to be willing to put myself last and expect less from relationships that should value me because I am human and not to be defined by my sex. This narrative teaches me to put myself last and honor others before myself placing my emotional value in the hands of another person until I feel valued.

As black men they do this too, they get the job, the money, the car, the house, the woman, and expects her too be everything, but independent. She is to be emotionally independent, but never physically because when she doesn't meet his standards of the physical femininity she is useless. A woman by nature is a storage she can carry a child for ten months and will gladly suffer just to see her child smile because she is wired this way. Most women deny themselves these parts of their femininity because motherhood is burdensome when you've had to be an elder for siblings or forced to be an adult early. So, we create this reality were we pick and choose what parts of ourselves that we find desirable. Only to recognize we need those things that we once threw away for hurtful experiences. In reference to the woman carrying a child for 10 months is stating how women hold onto hurtful experiences vs using the part of them they gave away for hurt. Women are deemed to be emotional, giving them reasons to react in the most hurtful and damaging ways because the male is to be able to put up with the emotional tyrant. You know the happy wife happy life, when its happy spouse happy house. As men you're taught to be strong and emotionally reliant on woman and substances this why women can easily emotional manipulate men. In the black community if I don't have one or the other how will I survive, how are you happy, and last but how can I get through these obstacles without a man or woman?

"Are you the victim or do you want to be a hero?" Developing relationships, friendships, and raising family through trauma bonds keeps this narrative alive and keeps us suppressed. Now you would say aren't you're an humanitarian for the people? I am, but I also know to live a healthy life mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I have to be willing to let go of things that no longer serve me. I have to be honest about my place in people lives. I have to be willing to do what is best for me without the need of guilt. I have to be willing to stand in my truth and not run away from the things I love because this is what I love. I am human, I feel, I breath, and live each day so, why is it so hard for others to be unburden by the issues of others. I'll tell you why because we have been taught this old school rhetoric that worked in a different era and to be honest it didn't work for them. I've seen women be more harsh on women because they didn't align themselves with the reality of another woman's femininity. I've seen men downplay other men because they didn't live up to their divine masculinity. Meanwhile these individuals are the host for the pain and willing pass this on to generation after generation and so on.

So, again we ask ourselves why is it so hard for women to just be women? Simply because we don't know how. We are shunned when we don't know and praised and compared when we do know. As humans we're design through this system to rely on others vs doing emotional checks on ourselves. The physiology of a human is to be accepted by others. The problem is when emotions go unchecked we don't know how to deal with rejection, the let downs, and the outside world without abusing the connection with the ones closest to us. As humans we feel if we aren't doing anything then why are living especially when your life isn't going the way you want it go. We aren't taught to rest because rest is for lazy people and laziness creates a codependency in stagnancy. This is why dealing and managing emotions can be a difficult process for some people because it is a foreign work environment that others didn't get trained to work in. Drugs, sex, and rage are the first things we run to for the emotional numbness. The pain doesn't stop and when the vices stop working this is when the downward spiral happen.

This is when arguments, fights, disagreements, and breakups happen because we use vices to do the emotional work instead doing it ourselves passing it on to someone or something as if it is their job. This is why sobriety is a troublesome process for addicts because the steps they have grow through are considered backwards to someone who doesn't abuse drugs, but has a different coping mechanism. The thoughts, the reasons, and the power transfer a person goes through is what keeps a person experiencing the same emotions in a time loop. Couples who have infidelity issues also do this because instead of me(you) understanding that I'm not responsible for making you believe I can change. This how majority of women emotionally manipulate a men into the continuation of saying I'm sorry for something that happened years ago. Men do this too. By the woman being hurt and not wanting to be seen as fool by society and her peers she uses her man/spouse as an emotional punching bag for coming to reality by partner wasn't so great. The cycle re continues but, not through infidelity, but through communication, sex, and kids. It is emotionally abusive and emotional power play taking the weight off me and projects to you because I don't want to deal with the truth of the matter. So, how long are you going to keep holding onto something that doesn't serves you. You can't expect to live in utopia with a house (your mind, body, and spirit) full of negative emotions.


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