Guess where I been in my skin, on some form of a hiatus. I really been plotting my evil villain era like I'm writing some form of a script for a movie of how this year won’t have me fucked up again. As the year has been starting, I have found it hard to find my social footing, it's just things have become so routine that even I'm bored. It’s like that lack of freshness that’s not in the air and it doesn’t have anything to do with social media or my day-to-day work. I think energetically a bitch tired of the same old stories I feel like what is it that I am gaining from certain relationships in my life. I think the audacity is at all time for me but not really, it's how the year ended that had me in some psychological daze. From the run-down conversations from people who don’t believe in change but expect me to be receptive all the time.
The fillers in stories that I had to fill in such as excuses to why such and such and such did this, the boundaries they have cross, and the same damn story line. It's like as if this was a Tv show and I want throw in something new not to drastic but something that I can get a feel of. As the year ended, I found myself in heavy self-reflection of the things people always expect from me but I can't get those things from them. From the emotional tantrums I have dealt with adults, the never-ending tale of magic, and my whack ass love life. How niggas have me fucked up and when did they get so comfortable with this behavior because I never said I like, accept, or wanted to deal with shit. And having to explain yourself when you are being clear when you are mad, happy, sad, and open. I follow my teachings so you don’t see me frequenting places that do not want me, appreciate, or even acknowledge me. So, when did this become a thing in my life.
The coldness I have been giving is something I haven’t felt in years and let me tell you I liked it and appreciated the parts of myself that wasn’t so open with love. Is it me or am I the only person that feel like you are missing something that is very important but you have too many distractions going on? Like it doesn’t feel like it’s family, friends, love, and even career. But my higher self-stating something that I need to know but I haven't had time to be able to sit with me so I can hear me seems to be bugging me. I think this lack of space I haven't been getting is basically giving me feed up. Now y’all know I tell y’all the ancestors don’t play when they tell you something to do and you don’t do it. So, I see why people do black magic and I feel that way totally. Because I have kicked, screamed, yelled, and even cried and it seems as if the people have not heard me but still have a problem.
My goals are calling me but I have people who are close to me or say they care about me the most who are making everything about them and I am sick of this shit because it is exhausting. I mean I am healer and I do the work so how dare someone try to use my tactics on me to emotionally manipulate something to their benefit with no state of change and act as if I won’t say nothing. It's like if something has happened once, they don’t know how to savor the moment they will do it again, again, again, and again. And it's like give it a damn rest, before we even get to a chance to enjoy something they run some shit into the ground. It's like these MF want us running around with mental illnesses and shit experiencing only sadness and grief. Like what the fuck that’s not something I teach, I teach people how to evolve, to grow, and to explore themselves in new chapters.
Isn't that what a spiritual journey is for to find the means to connect with the spirit in you and not the spirit in others all the time. This why we have the dark knight of the soul and the hermit mode when it’s time to retreat. Sometimes it isn't about having a spiritual meeting sometimes its sitting on the couch with a snack watching your favorite movie, talking with your friends for hours, jamming out to your favorite song, taking your weave out and contemplating on not getting your hair done but you know you gone do it anyway, understanding that you can do whatever you want with your time and not having to explain a damn thing to anyone. And no, I am not talking about your career and I'm just talking about life. Like having an off day where no one knows your off but you get to get a mani and pedi, sit in the park, go shop for clothes, books, booking that vacation, or just saying fuck it.
Where you have that one day out of your life where you can decide and say I'm going to quit to my job but you don’t because were grown and if we don’t have nothing saved in this economy were fucked. But it’s a thought. You know the days where you sit in aloness and just decide to cut off from the world were don’t care who comes looking for us but you send all of your friends in frenzy because they haven't heard from you. Yes, those are the moments I crave, solitary, silence, and even my own madness. It’s like I have been so focused on trying to get the things that I want and with experiencing so much unnecessary conflict has basically shot me down and up at the same time. It’s like damn I need a break, a blunt, a vacation, and mommy makeover.
But ima push out y’all monthly readings by Tuesday and get to breaking down that dark knight of the soul bit by bit. They’ll be getting dropped in between those days just give me till Tuesday to get all of them out. It's just girl when they started the year off with this shit child, I was like I got to go. We not doing this, you can do this by yourself. Leave me alone. Because if I hear one thing about Duck Lips, Anxious Betty, Elmo, Coco Bean, my old job, and drama from the past child I don’t know what ima do and I don't mean that in an unsure way if you know what I mean. Child, let's just pack this up and get the hell on. If you not gone do right by somebody, please stop getting mad when they don’t want to deal with you and your mess anymore. Because this whole I don’t know thing and not wanting to change and continually sticking to bad behavior is getting old. You only end up pushing people away and then growing resentment towards yourself and them because you ever wanted to change.
SOMEBODY GONE HEAR ME! HALLEJUAH! AMEN! JESUS IS A SOCK BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU NEED A NEW PAIR! AMEN!