Forgiveness isn't Fun

When having the power is not worth the strength of sacrificing your sanity. Forgiveness is not something that easy to do and most of the time we leave that to others to determine if were worthy of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a you job and when you place your power in the hands of someone’s else’s fate its soul crushing. Most of the time we do things that makes since to us but only to damage us in the long run. This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. For those of us that possess clairvoyant abilities you would know why. I found myself being meet with someone who has caused a lot of chaos in my life and did not have no remorse for the pain they’ve cause. You remember the blog hurt people hurt people well that was this individual. In my prime years of being 25 I found myself stuck but wanting more out of life but, what happens when you align yourself with, the wrong person.

Well child this person did the utmost damage to my life I understand the reason why, but my lower self wants to say FUCK OFF. I mean thinking back to all those times I have been humiliated, mocked, and ridiculed you would think I have a reason not to. I mean for me I did a lot of soul work not just the basic grounding part but the ugly parts. I was forced to face me in the most unkind way, for those of you that know me, I used to say anxiety for me would say I’m going to run you crazy until you face the little girl inside me. I am a runner so whatever I don’t wont, I won’t keep and there’s nothing no one can do to change it. But reality came crashing down for me when I was forced to be around someone who had no remorse for anyone human experience. The narcissist burn book is real and a malignant narcissist is one we see in the lifetime movies where the wife has killed her husband. Maybe because she grew tired or because she felt the only way, she could live her life is to be free from all parts of him. In 2015 I moved back to my mom house because I was lonely, depressed, and on the verge of going broke. I planned to stay here for just 1 year to get my shit together and leave, little did I know I was going to be here a long time and uncomfortable period.

I moved back because I was trying to escape this guy he was everywhere, and no one opted to help save me. I found myself helping more people than myself that lead to my depression. Honestly though the depression came about from magical attacks and having sex with a lower vibrational being. It’s true the people who you lay down with can give you more than a sexual transmitted disease they can also pass on their demons. Now I have not been a squeaky wheel kind of gal in a long time so the things that happen to me I felt were justified because I had done my fair share of messed up things in life. Honestly, nobody deserves to be treated like I was. A narcissist smear campaign can hurt the strongest soul. I watched people who were supposed to be friend turn into enemies and people whom I was their shining star treat me as if I were nothing. Boy was my world crumbling before my eyes. I was unemployed and searching for jobs and all he had to was call up a few colleges buddies or manipulate them with things to turn me down. Another black woman forced to succumb to poverty and raise my son through turmoil and hurt because life was downright unfair. My child seen me go from strong to weak and somedays I pushed him away because I did not believe he should see me as such.

My dating life went to shit because not only did this individual tell people I was a whore he recorded and placed it on social media for people to judge me. So, how can I date at the time when men only wanted me for sex. That was shitty a move because he thought I was going to chose him to be my lover. Only to be smacked with the reality that my ancestor was like “NOT ON MY WATCH” inserts chuckle. I mean honestly, I had a dream and grandma came to me and said there is a man that going to ruin you and turn everybody against you. Chile, honestly, I thought I was going crazy at this time he had everybody sewed up around me so if I did anything to prove he is wrong I was the crazy one. Have you even seen the movie GASLIGHT? Chile my own mother still converses with this man he is the son she never had black educated and good credit. You know how ole slave minded folks think a man with a good job cannot do no wrong. When I say I sound like a R. Kelly victim? No shade to those women its hard when a man has a piece of power and black nobody believes you because why would you want to see a black man fail. I have heard this so many times. I have tried to reason with him and his team, but they still feel entitled to me.

They ruined my name and I had to work hard to build my credibility back up. I was forced to face emotions and recognize that some people don’t mean you no harm they just stupid. And I hate the word stupid especially using it to describe kids or people. So, today in my dreams like many of times he has had people to reach out to me and say he is sorry he’s going to change I was offended. Because for 3 years I searched high and low for an apology I never got. For 5 years I have heard the tale of him saying I’m different, I’ve changed, and I’m sorry. Now I am past those days where I allowed an apology to grant me the rights to heal. That does not work for me anymore. Because the old me would let you say sorry and still let you insult my intelligence. I would hurt in silence masking my pain because I overvalued people more than they valued me. So, with all due respect I have the right to be pissed. I worked hard on this glow up to become this person I needed, and others needed to be alright.

So, some guy wallowing back to say I am sorry only to abuse my kindness and lie over and over and over again. Has played its part one to many times the $2.00 cinema has removed the movie from the playlist. I mean it felt like a slap in the face. Keep in mind we met in a karmic cycle that played out in one too many lifetimes. The pros of healing myself and changing a generational curse was to go through to get to them. My ancestors. I hated it; I resented the experience sometimes I felt it was quite uncaused for. I mean in the physical plane I was dealing with bullshit and in the spiritual plane I was dealing with an enormous amount of pain. I THINK I’M JUST FED UP! I ‘ve always said to myself I don’t ever want to be so evolved in spiritual journey that allow people to take advantage of me and what I become because I know they will get theirs. Now I am no spiritual counselor at least but I think the purpose of doing soul work is to eliminate the old thinking process. Learning hard lesson is out of my wheelhouse. I mean I was not asking for a million dollars all I wanted was privacy, honesty, understanding, and a job to pay for my business. And now he wants my forgiveness? Well I can’t give him something that I don’t have because its not my place to be judge in jury in someone else’s life. That is a job for him because I’m tired of being a safety net for people who wont secure me.

So, if he read this which I know he will buckle up buddy because you’re on your own with this one. Side note narcissist always seeks forgiveness from people whom they’ve hurt the most because it’s a transference of emotions for them. So, when you stop seeking something from someone who is only out to gain something you will be at peace. SIR, DO THE WORK LIKE THE REST OF US HAD TO!