What is it that you are looking for in a marriage? I mean truly what is that you desire? Is it the family, love, wedding, house, car, children, or being able to depend on someone? Unlike men women are more prepped and told about marriage than men. So, it’s normal for a woman to desire marriage or despise it. Marriage overtime has been described that a woman being submissive to her spouse is the only way a marriage can survive. While he works overtime to provide and she manages the house, the kids, his emotions, her emotions, and balance her faith. Talk about an unbalanced union.
I mean he can be the best provider financially, but does he help with the kids, your emotions, your needs, and his needs outside of the financial realm. I mean those are key questions that should be asked before you enter a marriage. My granny always said don’t let a man put a ring on your finger before you get married because God gone take yall through everything a married couple go through. As a child I was looking at this lady like what is she talking about but seeing this reality play out in so many people lives is quite intriguing.
Because most people have defined marriage to love and not what is it that you can get or learn from your partner. There are some people who think marriage is cure for infidelity, lies, deceit, past failures, and just and act of love. I wrote this in another blog by the way. But in this day in time a lot of us are learning the things we weren’t taught at this big age. I mean it can be hard trying to talk to grown people because they’ve grown into the individual they needed or who they thought they needed. I mean you wouldn’t be able to come tell me about anything I wasn’t working on, so I understand.
But marriage is a topic that has been coming up in my readings a lot. Well proposals, and preexisting marriages that have been hit with strife since this quarantine. Yall know I feel about it I said quarantine just highlighted how couples haven’t been working together but just existing together. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner it’s just areas you probably need to tighten up on. Meanwhile some people are finalizing divorces and getting back on the dating scene or deciding to walk away from preexisting one.
So down below you will see a list of topics that should be asked before the wedding or marriage or questions in the marriage. And ladies remember your man don’t be wanting to hear my think pieces. So, don’t go starting arguments over things that your partner may or may not be in the mood for. OTTTAYYYY!! OTTTAYYYY!
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A PARTNER? AND WHY DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR CURRENT ONE?
· Naturally when your single and dating or not looking for love you just find yourself gravitating towards it. So now boom you’re in relationship with someone who is your world, you adore them, you just feel like they get you. So, what next like the old song first comes love, then come marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. Keep in mind some of yall stories maybe backwards and that’s okay. You and your partner never discussed marriage on a serious level you just assumed it was the final level of the relationship phase and some reward would come for being faithful to this person after all this time. But what about when the pressure of marriage life starts to take a toll on your partner.
I’m not saying they would want to leave well I hope not but they may be going through some identity crisis where they’ve felt they’ve lost some piece of them in your world what do you do? Mental health in the black community isn’t a top tier conversation that is talked about it is actually frowned upon. You’ll be amazed how we as black people think being strong is some sort of reward. Talk about buried trauma in the subconscious. Chile, I digress...
But moving on how do you handle tough situations? What is their patience level like? How do they feel about kids and raising them? What is your particular style on parenting? Is it a one-man job or tag team duo? And let’s not talk about blended families whew this story will go on an on. Do you choose your partner from a space of lack? Meaning those things, you didn’t have as a kid because you’ve never found a way of dealing with it yourself?
Do chose them because they’ve chosen you? Seriously these are questions that need to be answered. Because a marriage is about two souls becoming one. Your ideal spouse or partner will not be you they will be them. And this is something that is not talked about, having healthy individual lives. I’m not talking about going to work and coming home I’m talking about what things they enjoy that brings them solace that you can not stand?
Marriage is a contract not some job you hate after years and quit or temporarily step down from to only want to return. Marriage isn’t a license for abuse whether it be mental, physical, emotional, or spiritual.
THE FOUNDATION AND THE CORNERSTONE?
· How did you meet your partner? How did you get into the relationship you are in now? What was it like in the beginning? Because most couples who do not grow through hard times try to revisit what it like in the beginning. Did you set any goals together to accomplish as a team? Did you guys value partnership outside of bill paying, business running, kids, and dinner?
I mean did you. I mean I be seeing so many couples who come to me or through me to get an understanding of the things they already know. They just be expecting me to validate one or the other. AHHT AHHT NOT ON MY WATCH IN (IYANLA VAZANT VOICE!) Like what is your principles you stand for? How do you feel about family, holidays, and children?
How do you feel about boundaries because so many people think marriage is a place to invade each other privacy and always be tethered to one another? Have yall ever been hanging with the clingy couple that’s out the cupcake phase? Eww get a room already. Like people fail to recognize that the like phase is how the rest of the relationship will be later on down in the marriage.
The like phase is where you’re so in aw with them that you violate your own set of boundaries because you’re either going with the flow or you fear losing them. So, those red flags you ignored in the beginning is going to be the same ones when you end up in couples counseling talking about how one of the other isn’t listening or doing what you want them to do? Get honest with yourself. Change is reflective not projection.
This is mainly where you talk about where you want to stay, career goals, the house you want, the wedding you desire, children, finances, health, sex, and family, These are not one sided conversations.
· Everybody want to have kids, but nobody wants to be a parent. Whew if yall done been over to healing your inner child you know what I mean. Having children is not for weak you add in labor, raising them, looking after them, and managing your own life you’ll see how the things you thought you had control over you really don’t. Children really be blessings in disguise because they highlight the areas of who you are and where you are in your life.
Does your partner have kids already how is their relationship with the child’s mother/father? That will tell you everything you need to know. Yall know how I feel about kids being in grown folks’ situations meaning when the baby mama and baby daddy don’t get along so now the child hates you. Not because they don’t know it’s because they parents argue and can’t get along, so they blame you because you’re the closest to the problem.
What was your relationship like with yourself when you were a child? Do, you parent form a place of lack? Basically, all the things your parent didn’t do or couldn’t afford. Being a parent is an all-time job and not something you pick and choose to do. When your dating someone with kids you accept them and their kids you do not tolerate them because of the adult drama, or you feel your dating the parent. Those kids are yours as well.
WHAT WAS YOUR PARTNER ENVIORNMENTAL FACTORS LIKE GROWING UP?
· Before you decide to get married you either go ask for the hand in marriage or you just go out on a limb and do it. But what is their relationship like with their parent/parents? Are they overly codependent on each other? Do they have a strained relationship? What are their parents like? Do you observe from a nonjudgmental place?
Do you see how your partner upbringing affected them to becoming the individual they are today? Down to the choices they make in spending money, making money, communicating, and the views on society. That will let you know a lot about your partner. If your partner has a codependent relationship with their parent their going to expect one with you. TRUE STORY! Either you’re going to have always go with the flow of what they want or always be in a position to be dominant because that is what they are used to.
If they have a strained relationship with their parents and still communicate with them that means this individual will still stick around even on bad times. So, they’ll likely be used or stick around with an attitude feeling like they have to do things for you because they love you. But with more of an attitude.
If they don’t communicate with their parents expect them to be very gun ho on communication or not talk about things because they feel they don’t have to. Particularly in matters of the heart or important issues.
IS IT VERY IMPORTANT ASKING QUESTION FROM A NON JUDGEMENTAL SPACE BECAUSE IT CREATES INTMACY AND VULNERABLITY LIKE NEVER BEFORE! WHEN YOU ALLOW PEOPLE TO BE WHO THEY’RE THEN PEOPLE WILL DO THE SAME YOU CAN’T SAY YOU LOVE ALL OF PERSON ONLY TO DEMONIZE THE PARTS YOU HATE! CHOW!