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Emotional Vulnerability

For the past two days I have been listening to love songs I don’t know which one of you heauxes that is heartbroken but you this close to getting throat punched. I said this ain’t that I been hurt before it’s that I don’t know what to do without them type of love.

That type of love where you feel your feelings and theirs to the point it becomes hard recognizing what is your emotions outside of theirs.

I said to myself this that puppy love and that’s like that first love that usually ends up becoming and attachment. And when I say attachment, I mean you pick up their ways and habits and find yourself reminiscing on all the things y’all used to do together. Whew I done been there before. Baby you don’t want to eat, sleep, drink, or even think. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Because in love all you want is the person, you’re fighting for so hard for to fight for you.

And in those times when you know you have to leave them or choose you is the most trickiest place a person can be. I mean no advice can help just only vibes and those vibes you get don’t always seem to last. Due to emotionally vulnerability being hard for some you may find yourself in a struggle to openly communicate what it is that you need.

I mean after my heartbreak all I wanted was for someone to sleep next to me. Not have sex with them but the body heat and having them there was all I needed.

Until I recognized that wasn’t what everybody wanted, I mean we didn’t even get to nap date phase before someone was talking about their meat. Chile, I was an emotional wreck because all my friends had jobs and I didn’t want to continuously blow them up about my problems. They had already been there done that so me calling them and crying my eyes out about a no-good boy just wasn’t on the menu.

Till this day these heauxes mad at me because I didn’t involve them in my healing process because I had been there for them. So, they felt they should’ve returned the favor. But being around people who took advantage of my vulnerability made a b**** stinger come out. So, me trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life was a challenging time. Because when you make up to break up all the time you tend to develop the mind frame they’ll be back.

But what happens when that last fight got a little to real and you don’t know if this is really it? Girl retrograde got us all crying our eyes out, smoking too much, drinking too much, or downright replaying every messed-up event. The shadows are dwindling down and the things we used to crave for are seeming, more and less possible because when the sun is out the egos are out to play. We tend to fake it till we make it. The emotional facade we put on to be okay when you are not okay is real.

I always wondered after a heartbreak why you never receive the same comfort you needed as if something traumatic happened to you. Scientist did a study on heartbreak and said that is one of the most damaging thing, a person can go through. No matter how shitty a person was or is you loved them at one point.

Even if what you like doesn’t fit someone else’s standards or moral compass. TRUE STORY! But what do you do when you drown in your emotions instead of taking the rescue tube to free you from that place of anguish? And when I say rescue it doesn’t mean that all that all the pain you are experiencing will go away its just means you trying to get to a better place to access your emotions from a different perspective. And baby that takes time.

The love songs ain’t been that bad because I needed to love on me a little bit more and being an adult can be hard. Because when you’re so focused on your outer world sometimes you forget about your inner world that is going on with you whether it be your mind, body, or spirit. So, I wanted say how you are emotionally? Are processing your day or just trying to make it through it.

I’m not trying to sound like one of them people that experience heartbreak and be like get over it. But the problem like many people whether they leave and move on or stay in that relationship they still carry that hurt. Why? Because they rarely figure out how and why they needed that love a particular person gave them whether they was a bad person or not.

And when I say love it could be a parent, child, sibling, family, lover, or career. You choose the direction of your path. But sitting up listening to all them love songs that say everything you want to say, try voicing them over to you. Because when you don’t know the value of your own love Divine sometimes can allow people to abuse it because you don’t know the value of what you have.

Whether it be your loyalty, trust, attention to detail, being attentive, or a good listener that’s all apart of love. Like what intentions do you set for you in the morning. And I’m not talking to be skinner, prettier, make more money, to make other people better, but to be more authentic with you. To learn how to be the love you need before you go being that for other people.

As much as I talk about my woes, I give you the latter of how it gave me a lens to the things I left in the dark. Like my peace, time, sanity, my voice, my own love, my appreciation to life, and how I live my love out loud with or without a person.

Baby that dark knight be something serious especially when you are seeking solace in people. That is the most dangerous game any person can play with they life. It’s deeper than years, it’s the routine, the vulnerabilities, the lows, the chance you took, and the belief that they are a part of you. When you whole all by your damn yourself. Humans need each other but nothing in this world makes you who you are on the inside.

They may shake, stunt, or dent you. But you will always be you no matter if they like it or not and that is something that emotional vulnerability can’t buy. Emotional honesty and a commitment to yourself. That’s a choice you’ll have to make when you ready for you to accept and love you for the being you really are. The love you give to a partner is just a mere reflection of what they need not what you need.

Be vocal but not rude, stand firm in who you are and what you need, and love you first so when whoever or whatever falls short you’ll know how to adjust your crown when it starts falling off.

Signed a Tired Girl……

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