Don't Look Back

Girl, I’m back! I been tired ass hell though and drained but any who what y’all been up too? While in the meantime I been dreaming and journaling about things that has been going on around me and others. So, I might not have been posting as much on here, but I have been keeping up with what’s going on to keep y’all updated. By the title you can tell that this is going to be juicy.

A couple of days ago in my dream state my ex came across now any dreamer knows that it wasn’t him it was the illusion of him I told y’all I been cut that shit off from him being able to astral project his bald headed ass across. Don’t nobody got time for that because baby don’t nobody want that drama in, they mf life. Girl chile, don’t nobody need no lover half ass in they life being non committable. Baby you can get tf on with that.

If I was in my twenties, I would’ve been like ok I’ll bite but baby this new me been like you need a diet bitch just give it up. And guess what, that is what I been on some detox shit. Now keep in mind we ain’t been together in years like 6 years but I always kept the line of communication open. Because I don’t have beef with people who I used to date but that duck lip mf and anxious betty is a whole another thing.

I think the older you get holding on to what people did to you and what you did to them only just makes you bitter and closes off connections with people who truly want to connect with you. I don’t know that’s how I feel and seeing others who struggle with this in their human connection. I mean think about it you see folks at the cookout at a family reunion still holding onto beef talking about somebody stole they barbie doll away when they were 5. I can’t tell somebody to let that shit go but when somebody know they hold power over you they know how to upset you.

And baby that’s exactly what they will do every chance they get; they push your damn buttons. Now I’m not talking about the unevolved beings wanting everybody to kiss they ass because of the other people that did them dirty. No baby, we gone need yall to quarantine and get it together because we don’t need the collective contaminated. Because it gets hard to weed out those whose here for a good time and not a long. I mean emotional healing can be tricky because when you are an emotional listener you always listening for the good to ease your pain and not actually taking the lessons on themselves.

You can slow down others and the grieving stages of your pain you’ll project that onto others thinking they always supposed to put up with that’s just how I am. When actually that’s unhealthy because if that’s just how you are, and somebody says I like evolving and evolution you’ll always get mad by trying to fit them into a narrative in your life that doesn’t suit you.

But when I seen him my mind immediately went to WHAT THE FUCK DOES, HE WANT? I mean come one now I’m all about being fair but when life got pretty rough for me this nigga was not the shoulder for me to lean on if we are being perfectly honestly. I mean the part of me that had to come to recognize was that the person I wanted him to be for me he couldn’t, and the hard part was letting it go.

I felt quite offended because I’m big a believer that you not gone wrong me and act like that shit didn’t happen because that creates behavior for you to keep doing it again and not taking on accountability. If I was to always give you passes because I know you or I love you it creates the narrative that any given moment you can say fuck me and do you. I apologize in advance for the vulgarities, but it had me confious i.e., confused.

Because he wasn’t so trusting so him storming back in my life while I’m in the midst of my happiness because his life is in shamble got me side eyeing the tf out him. Because in the pass I used to allow this type of behavior from friends, love one, and lovers and it left me heartless ass hell baby this detachment issues I have amazes me. I will dead ass forget you exist because some people be trying to act like they don’t do no wrong in your life and want to skip over it like an UNO card. REVERSE B****!

No ma’am this healthy boundaries over here and not no insecurities it’s just you have a habit of doing things so I’ll just keep you at arms distance. Because when you start slinging mess all over here, I want to just back away with ease. Because he’s not my man but the take away I took from the dream was that a lot of people forgive people for the things they do but have they forgiven you for the hurt you have caused them.

I know, some y’all are looking at the computer right now like girl fuck you and I totally respect that. Because the pain others have caused you made you feel like you never did anything to hurt them or anyone in your life. But the fact of the matter with people who have routine you allow them to be able to do the shit over and over again to the point they create a false narrative thinking they can get away with shit they shouldn’t.

Because for one you didn’t know better so being their emotional cumdumpster while they sort out life was kind of your thing. Yes, its unfair but that the narrative you created for people in your life especially if you’re the strong friend I mean you could be going through it and they want even ask you how’s life going . They’ll just keep doing the same thing and saying what your mad o I’m sorry. Giving you, some half ass apology and you keep believing that they possibly could change.

I mean as much as we talk about forgiveness and moving on to do what’s best for you do you ever take accountability for the things you’ve allowed to play out in your life when you started to get your life back together. I think not because the way social media glamorize healing like you just accept and move on is some shit that’s healthy. Like no I want to know why they hell I didn’t see, why the hell I didn’t know, what role I played in actively doing something about it.

I mean your favorite counselor or therapist would tell you that, why you think so many people get almost there and when they tell them to take accountability for their part they turn into those people that hurt them and lash out on you. Like whoa their bucko, this is where I exit stage left call me when your done.

Because I don’t have time for this. Deuces, but in all honesty I’ve seen people do the work and get comfortable and not in their own environment only turn around and allow the same people back in who don’t love them, support them, or even care about anything other than themselves. Only to end up back at ground zero and to start all over again meanwhile I’m on the sidelines pissed because ready to take my anger out on them and the person because I’m like you was there why did you give up.

But I thought to myself a lot of times the uncomfortable don’t feel so comfortable even when you have mastered yourself. This is why so many people get so comfortable going backwards only for it to teach them how to keep going forward and others the process of teaching others. Sometimes you gone get hurt by going back to the past because sometimes its teaching you a lesson to get comfortable with your own self.

And when you decide to go backwards make sure you have a safety clause in it for you so, you want end up having to undo all your hard work because you wanted to live in the moment one last time for something that couldn’t be. Remember sometimes doing what’s right isn’t always going to be fun but having a peace of mind is way better than trying to survive in chaos.

CHAIO!