Girl I been on some uggghh shit. Why, you ask? Because I been feeling amazing lately and now here comes the load of insincerities from old lovers and flings. Now you all know after my spiritual awakening life basically in my eye’s life took a turn for the worst while the masculine energies in my life did shit to help. All the while they were nothing but karmic lesson, useless in my evolution. Now they taught me some lessons but boy were they selfish a tad bit much.
Now yall know I said if I didn’t get into a relationship I said I want some bountiful d*** you know the kind that raise your vibrations, bring blessings and not material ones, bring your color back in you, and last but least f****** acknowledge the beautiful being you are. Now because the roles are reversed, and we had too many people in our story they always held on hope thinking I would always be some escape plan. Ain’t that something to give a man your man all and for him to throw that shit in the garbage or leave it unattended. Only to recognize they will never find another you.
And I’m not saying as in looks but you as a whole your perks, quirks, your honesty, your laughs, your time, and kindness you know the things people barely appreciate. Now yall know I was in 6-7-year relationship left that one and got stuck in some project that basically brung my value down. It was like an unpaid internship only rewarded with drama, chaos, no dating life, and last but least being broke asf got old pretty quick. Now don’t get me wrong this isn’t some he male bashing letter just airing out my grievances for the ladies who can relate.
Now I know majority of this was my fault because like most women who can’t rely on men, we become the man we need talk about a travesty. And in those times, we can get comfortable with being strong all the time like its some reward in it in the meantime while craving intimacy and I’m not talking about sex. Just a lover who get you, who’s not afraid of you being dominant or self-sufficient one who doesn’t desire to change you but to grow with you. Boy was the lesson hard as hell to deal with while in the meantime raising a kid, these selfish dicks didn’t even care if my child was straight.
Now all of sudden I hear the I’m sorry, let’s work it out Marshae I’m going to do right for this project when America has heard me beg for jobs, and financial planning for as my business. Talk about embarrassing as hell and each day I had to get up and be better than the person I was the day before. I have seen these assholes choose person after person while I have fought hard to get the bare minimum from them but the funny thing is I ain’t even mad though.
I just want them to move on in peace and enjoy the life they have made. Don’t even get me started on my ex he couldn’t come through for me even if God knocked on his door and said its time. He’ll be too busy trying to say I got to do this and that and the whole time he’ll be miss out on blessing. I mean I was there for him when he had nothing and expected nothing in return just love, appreciation, and wanted him to become the man, I knew he could. Boy I’m not dating potential ever again it’s useless. I am not a talent agency that only works for those people.
But the audacity of this fool to come back in my life trying to waste my time thinking I loved him so much that I would wait forever on a selfish man. Baby when you evolve and grow and experience the love for what it is your able to let that hurt go because you knew at once upon time you got what you deserve. Even if it was some half ass love I mean hey I accepted it so whose complaining. I mean now you got this other nigga that was trying to do business and personal thinking that shit go hand and hand when he lowkey envies me. Because I overcame every obstacle, he through my way while he’s still battling karmic lessons.
So, my ex had the audacity to lie and go into some pissing contest with him thinking I would choose him over him in the meantime while he’s out on the town with any and everybody. I’m not saying sleeping wise hell I don’t know but basically building his life up off my energy. I mean I ain’t complaining I just want him to utilize while he can so he become the best thing he can be for another woman. I found it pretty clear that he didn’t give a fuck about me when my world was upside down and he didn’t say not one time let me help you. Now I’m not talking about a favor for favor but if you are planning on doing right by the person you love in the areas, they are lacking you should fill in and teach them.
But, I didn’t get that he would be so focused on his pissing contest that he would be so busy telling my business or our business to a nigga that hates me while he lies to America and tells people he loves me ironic much. When I was so focused on worrying about what I didn’t have and what I didn’t need I basically forgot about me. I treated me like some antique piece that you have in a china cabinet that has collected so much dust that when your cleaning it out you forgot what was in the back. You take it out dust if off and it’s all shined up and now you see the beauty in what you once hid from the world.
And those lovers that underestimated you, that didn’t appreciate you now are seeing what they once adored. It’s not me they were attracted to but the light in me to possess it, to illuminate the darkness in them on their darkest days. I mean at one point I would be like okay and go running headfirst but when my needs weren’t met over time I got turned off. Because those days I spent crying and worrying over someone who doesn’t appreciate me are over. I never thought we would get back together that’s the illusion he gave me. Did you know when he started talking to someone, he didn’t even have the courage to tell me someone else had to deliver the message.
The old me would’ve pulled up at his house ready to fight because I felt like I had to give him a reason to see I was worthy of his love. While in meantime neglecting myself and other things that could’ve made me a better parent. You see how I said these karmic lessons was my fault and at the same time I’m confused on who the hell would want a second chance at that. I mean overall I still don’t think he’s a bad guy because he’s changed into the man he needs to be while I changed into the person I needed to be. I think we honestly outgrew each other and that is okay.
But I’ll be damned if I let him even think about reaching out to me because his relationship or interpersonal connection a little rocky. Boy bye.
But I wrote this to say that sometimes some people won’t love you the way you need to be loved it’s because they don’t how. And it’s possible you don’t know how to love yourself as well because why was I chasing a man in the first place. Ladies its okay to feel like no one is ever going to love you because those are emotions you grow from to empower you on your journey of love. So, staying mad and crying to your friends about him not noticing your new IG pictures or supporting your dreams is only going to hurt you.
In 2014 I made a vow to myself and I said that anything that isn’t serving me I will not entertain it. And that is exactly is what I have been doing, does it get boring sometimes yes it does. Do I have carnal needs yes, I do? But if someone can’t even give me honesty why would I waste my time. I don’t like pain that much I may have a high tolerance for it, but I don’t want to hurt like that at my expense or anyone else’s. So, if you’re going through some break or feeling lonely, I’m here with you.
I can feel one of you saying girl I don’t want your ass and same sis same. I just wanted to say it starts out a rocky journey but once you recognize you in it for you over time your reasons will be validate by the choices you make.