As the seasons roll around and the colder it gets you still got that one nigga that is still trying to find a place to stay. So, bitch be weary because it might be you, he ends up staying with. (Stares with professional care.) Me pitching think pieces to your baby daddy about why he should send me Cash Apps because the sky is blue and he’s not ready for love doesn’t seems to be working. But through out all of the bullshit love still wants to be knocking on my door as I ask spirit. Why? Child, with the surmountable of problems that seems to be going on, chaos jumping through hoops to find me, and negative Nancy always commenting on my life seems to care about it more than me. I guess that’s just it loves will always be love no matter how hard you to try to fight it. Now I'm not in love with anyone but it seems like love wants me to want it.
I find myself coming up with millions of reasons of why I should accept it because of the love I desire hasn’t just came along yet. You would think I was asking for a million dollars and nigga to jump over the moon. When clearly, I'm not! The elders may say I'm being too picky and life going to pass me by, the pick me’s waiting to steal of man they can't get on they own, and the hoes on the sideline like come back to the streets you miss me. But apart me still desires some form of love, you know the kind that just won't surpass you by. You know the kind love that gets you, that helps alleviate problems out of your life, the simple but boastful, and kind but honest even when it hurts kind of love. In a world where everyone wants to be toxic it seems to not be my thing.
When you’ve been their done that, you start to wonder and accept that certain things just won’t be the same. You start to self-reflect on the time you spent arguing when you could've been kind and understanding to what it is your partner needs. Even if you weren't meant to be because sitting in grief changes you for the better and sometimes for the worse. You go down the could've, should've, and would've only to end back up at square one which is a new start. A different lover same gist but you ask yourself what is it so different about this one, this time, or the place. Cause sometimes love takes more than a toll on your mind, sometimes it consumes you emotionally to the point it's all you think about. Sometimes it can seem so intoxicating while at the same time all you want is to breath not a new person but a reality outside of it.
Because love is a quest that many never seem to survive whether it is with someone or with yourself it's a battle only the strong to seems to survive. As I say that sarcastically because sometimes it's not them baby it's you and the hardest part of that truth is realizing this. We have normalized aesthetics and trends and equated that to love when someone else's love is not my love. They may show snippets of the love I seek to coexist with but their love isn't my love. They don't know the pain that made me chose to love again, they don’t know the things that pleases my soul, and the things that bring me joy with a sheer midst of sadness that seems to come from the things I worked hard for. But yet, here I am in a battle with love because of what society think is good for me and what I feel is best for me.
Because I am not lonely, I am just alone in world where many seems to be under the guise, they know the real me. Which part the quirky but witty girl or the quiet radiant sunshine that seems to blast through the darkness even on the darkest days when the world just won't stop moving. It seems as if that I may have become a lover of self and not of narcissistic tendencies but out of always having to protect me. And not out of fear because I know if I don’t choose me, I will have someone who chooses the parts of me that they feel is best for me. Only leaving me to feel incomplete in this walk of life. After surviving my saturnian year I noticed the incompleteness I felt came from not accepting who I was. I spent so many days trying to heal and change instead of managing who I was and noticing the milestones that I accomplished throughout these years.
How I found myself in friend groups, jobs, relationships, and functions not feeling it because they didn’t quite get me and that is what I was tired of, the half ass getting to know you. You know the hey, how you doing, where you from, and what's your age bs? I wanted to be happy as my friends smiling in sheer bliss, as I watch them twirl in circles because I was there, the gatherings I attended to support my kin, and numerous of times I had to be present in someone else presence but I was not in theirs. And I said to myself I deserve the love I seek and give because I am worthy of such. It may differ than what the rest say and want but my soul craves what it wants. There is no destination for this love nor a time frame I am to acquire it but I am getting tired of some dude trying to bookmark me.
Nigga, I ain’t no Now and Later it is get it right now or get gone. How simple is that? I am not fragile, I am human, I speak, I feel, I laugh, I hear, or I see things whether that is with my 3rd eye or with all four of them. I have a human design too that requires my needs being met outside of having sex and getting money. There is more to life when you decide to break free and tap into your wild side and finally have to the courage to explore yourself, you start to notice the things you can accomplish when you finally choose you. The things you like, the things that make you happy, and also the things that make your heart smile. I think I wrote all this to say that dear love are getting my name right on the addresses you keep sending me to. Do you even do a background check? Do I need update my application in the spirit realm so we can be on the same page. Just let a hoe know what you need me to do because I think you got my love life on shuffle.
It's like spirit up there D Jaying and shit and every time it comes to my love life, they keep scratching the beat and when they finally let it go, its meet with confusion. And child we end up in places like this but when I finally get in a relationship ima let y’all know but not too soon though. Ain't shit shaking but ass too songs and beats.