Friendships can be troubling when you don’t have boundaries. In the beginning everything seems so blissful depending on your state of mind that you are in at the time. The long night outs, the shopping dates, the vacations, the clubbing, the same interest, and history. But what happens when a friend is going through something traumatic and it emotional affects you so bad to the point it sabotages the friendship. Now before the think police come on here and saying that b**** was never your friend. You do have to take into account on the friends you do have in your life. Everybody isn’t supposed to be around forever and just because you get along well doesn’t mean they have your best interest at heart.
You’ll be amazed at how instant gratification tricks you into to believing you have long term goals with people in your life. True story and some people forget that just because you have a long-term relationship with them doesn’t mean that they have to take on every problem you have going on in your life. If I don’t feel the way you feel, process things the way you do, or even understand but I try how am I the bad guy. Most people fail to recognize the concept of the disagree to agree method. Sometimes we find ourselves more pissed off about the way a person doesn’t understand our pain before we are even able to communicate our own discomfort. Now I get it friends are the secret keepers, treasurers, and confidants. But why do I have to be solely your emergency contact for everything you go through in life.
Like when does a person get the return on the investment; if you don’t take the advice, listen to how I feel, or even respect my boundaries what is the general state of this friendship. Being woman is ass sometimes because we have whole lives to live and get mad at our friends because we haven’t made any other friends outside our interpersonal relationships. So, we task ourselves with think pieces, gossip, drama, smear campaigns, and aligning ourselves with people who mean us no good. I wish had that tweet of where that girl wrote stating how she wanted to refer her to a counselor because her problems where too much to bare. She didn’t have the emotional capacity to take on her problems not because she hated her friend it was simply because she a had a live to live as well.
And granted her friend was a smidge bit draining so sometimes we need a break from our friends. Hell, why you think I go on tangents about being in peace or silence because I have my own shit going on too. So, somedays I be needing them 2 hour pauses, 24 hour pauses, or even 30 minutes pauses. We truly have to stop trying to markup someone else’s availability for your needs because that some entitlement for your ass. And that’s the fastest way to kill off any relationships in your life is to always be in expectancy, entitlement, lack of change, openness, and lack of breathing room. I get it we go through moments where need our peers to chime in somedays, but damn all the time. Some of y’all might need to find a hobby because it some chaos and drama bound to flow from that. But let me gone get into this blog.
DEALING WITH A FRIEND WHO IS GOING THROUGH TRAUMA:
PAIN CHANGES PEOPLE! IMA SAY IT AGAIN PAIN CHANGES PEOPLE! We are all aware of this, but some people forget that they their pain influences them it can influence those around them. When we go trauma like moments, we crave that person who makes us feel like they are the teddy bear that can fix all our problems. Just to snuggle up under, to cry, to even laugh, or just have heavy sighs with but we forget your comforter is human too. So, they take on your emotions as well and the things that plague you a little bit too much at times. And like many if we want to emotionally support, we rarely come up with tangible ways to stop, nip, and fix a behavior patterning before it even starts. Because when you love someone or genuinely care for them you don’t want to see them hurt, but when their pain start to hurt you this is when relationships take a turn for the worst.
Because sometimes the person who is hurting isn’t so cognizant on their actions they are doing to others as well for some they do this because this is there sick way of saying life did it to me. In that scenario get the hell on and say goodbye because that toxic relationship within itself is going to drain you and take you down some toxic loophole that seems to never end. In this case this is where the victim card, whoa is me person, or the silent but deadly one where you only find out a little bit later after events expose their core nature. And if you aren’t healed as well it can recreate some pain within itself and cause you be more damaged about the things that has happened to you in your past because this person is causing some repressed emotions to strike up. MORAL OF THE STORY DON’T LET THEM SHOW YOU TWICE.
I want people to understand that there is only so much a person can take and that doesn’t have to be in a fed-up way. Sometimes it can be as such saying that I am tired of my friend hurting and feeling this pain that I have to find a way to remove myself from it. Everyone isn’t emotionally intelligent and that is okay but that doesn’t take away from those who try such as; staying in a friendship too long thinking they are substituting your pain by taking on your abuse, lack of awareness, lack of patience, lack of kindness, and lack of wanting to change. People fail to recognize that nothing in this world is certain and at even giving moment we can decide to walk away even if it means for your own benefit. And social media has to stop glamourizing one sided think pieces and calling people disloyal for not wanting to stay in toxic situations.
Child, that’s cute in your twenties but the older you get falling out with a friend, making up to break up, talking shit behind each other back, and badmouthing ain’t cute. Because if you can’t rectify the damage with each other you’ll spend more time healing the chaos than the actual relationship itself. So, here’s a few tips on how to deal with a friend going through something heavy.
1. Know the difference in helping them or being an enabler.
2. Find groups, classes, therapy sessions, reiki, church, reasonable hobbies that allows them room to feel, to express, and to flow through their emotions. We are not trying to substitute one thing for the other it could off dismissive and supportive.
3. Establish boundaries its okay to say I get it they have been going through this and they are mad at so and so about this. You don’t want to push your needs to back for another person and end up hating them. Resentment is something we all have had a taste of.
4. Learn the difference between venting, listening to respond, and talking. It saves you so much time when you’re dealing with someone who can’t ground their emotions.
5. GIVE THEM BREATHING ROOM! Everybody isn’t a quick thinker. Everything isn’t about you. As well you are showing up for your friend learn how to show up for yourself.
6. LAST BUT LEAST, THIS IS FOR WOMEN STOP ACTING LIKE IT AIN’T NEVER BEEN YOU! When you are talking to your friends learn how to have compassion on certain things but have a limit. You don’t have to always be the shero all the time. Nobody is asking you to cry but damn nobody wants to be consoled by a brick wall. You can’t expect a breakthrough with someone when have your own troubles with being vulnerable. TOUGH LOVE IS NOT ALWAYS THE CASE. It just depends on your friendships you have.
That’s it, shit I ain’t got nothing more to say, but I might jump on live real quick!