BLACK FAMILY DRAMA RECAP:
It seems as if the older you get, it gets harder to heal old wounds that is connected to the wounds that has been established before life could even get its hands on you. In the words of whoever said it anymore family ain’t even family anymore. We have even said this plenty of time on black family drama I do not believe in making amends without change that has been applied. We have established that the ones who raise you are the ones who can do the most damage to your soul. Some people just reincarnate into bad families to teach them valuable lesson so you can go off to be a better person for the next generations. I know it may not seem like that but sometimes those are the cards you have been dealt. I’ll insert the old blog where we used to break down and give insight on how you can journal into your healing. Feel free to go to a therapist and ask these questions and go over these things with your therapist, but sure they give me my credit baby.
It seems as if time has been hard to occupy, you have people just doing anything to cause hurt to anyone. Family don’t babysit kids anymore, help put out the drama anymore, don’t stand up against rape, and protect the kids. Hell, folks don’t even feed you anymore because they be too worried about what you got before they give you anything. And you my ask yourself how did we get here well do to some inner child hurt that has occurred and a constant state of drama that has been draining on my inner child. Boy adults will make you say FUCK EM and go on about your way. Also, the people who claim they have been gouped into drama, they inner child screamed out loud they needed support. So, they made false pledges with people who could really give a damn about them and it stung home for some. Only for them to repeat old ways that they thought they shed from a teen, preteen, or even a adult.
Only to be faced with the truth again that society, friends, peer pressure, and even family has failed them yet once again. I tell people all the time your inner child is how you make friends, and your family upbringing is who you resonate with the most. Some people don’t believe this but ask yourself why you put up with the piss poor behavior from the people whom you call a lover, bae, boo, or even friend. You never stop to ask yourself why they remind you of your cousin, mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, or uncle. For some people this can be a good thing because if you had great relationships with passed over loved one and the living then this great. Those relationships remind you of that soulmate energy where a person resembles and just feels like home. Sometimes we can get so comfortable to the point where we barely appreciate them and take them for granted and they are forced to leave our lives no matter how much we kick, push, and pull.
I know it can hurt but sometimes your lack growth, gratitude, and honesty can ruin certain connections. And this goes back in the rhetoric that has been feed to us with the believe system that if people love us, they should always put up with our bad behaviors. Family teaches us this when they minimize our pain, avoid our truths, shun our voices, and make us feel less than. To be honest I hated my family as a kid and America knows this because they messy ass hell and always in some damn drama. Not all my kinfolks don’t act like this and no I’m not talking about the things they do privately in they home. But I’m talking about the lack of support they don’t give. They will have your name in everything but a prayer and think the things they say about you won’t help you. When black folks gone learn that you speaking negatively about me and blasting my tea isn’t going to propel me forward.
It only limits our interaction, blocks the connection, and distance us from getting the healing we need. Now if you got kinfolks like mine please run, don’t collect the 200 dollars, and make sure you stay away from jail. Because they stay hanging with my opps all you need to do is not like me and they sold to the highest bidder. Now back in 2017 and down I used to cry my eyes out because I used to think what did I do as a child to deserve this state of pain I have endured? And I thought to myself nothing because I didn’t ask to be here to be birthed in this shit hole of economy and family. Child, marrying into the right family matters. Y’all always be talking about wealth but shit if the baggage they carry energetically ain’t healed I don’t want to deal with it.
But the lower I got emotionally I kept begging to be supported, acknowledged, heard, and seen. And then one day it clicked for me that I noticed the love I was asking for I never going to get it. It shut made me down all the connections I had with other family members because I felt why speak out when all I want to do is leave. I found myself being the little girl in the corner pretending to be okay with the abuse, the trauma, the gaslighting, the hatred, and disrespect. I started to get mad, angry, irate, and even dared to change. See all those years I wanted to be nothing like my family only to make friends like my family who gossip about me, lie on me, betray me for fun, men who were emotionally unavailable, and people abused the titles they had in my life.
That false ass loyalty I had with people had me shook. A great of friend told me a long time ago told me to leave my family alone and move out of state. To scared of change and not having the financial stability I stayed in a hateful city only to endure more hurt. I thought she was crazy and one day she could heal the dynamic with her mom because when it was good it was good but when it was bad it was bad. I seen the light shine in her eyes when she finally packed up and had enough. She never came back and felt so happy when left she complained about the pain she had because she never repaired the relationship with her mom. As a person who didn’t even call my mom or even talk to her on a good day I didn’t understand until that pain hit me. It took for me to be sexually assaulted, stalked, harassed, and even bullied by my abuser for me to come back home. And when I returned back home, I had a lot of pain and hatred in my heart.
Because I needed a mom, a father, a sibling, and family to support me but they sided with my abuser, and it made the pain hit worse. And because I was labeled the strong one or the one who always gone make it, it damn near drove me crazy and almost got me diagnose with a mental illness. All because I couldn’t process my pain, I had never felt this pain at all time high in my life. And not soul on earth couldn’t tell me they understood because I felt they couldn’t. but the more I held onto the pain I became sick, my weight fluctuated, my finances became blocked, I lost hope in my dreams, I lost faith in love, I lost hope in being mom. Boy was that a low for me because everybody know I love BIG SEXY! And at that time, I felt like my child couldn’t even love me because I didn’t have a dime to my name.
Societal standards blocked, broke me, and also taught me love didn’t have a price. The more I decided to be honest about my pain it scared away the lies and I liked it. Not only because walking in your truth is power but no longer can, they, them, or their lies can affect me anymore. I didn’t subscribe to their paradigm baby was out the matrix and being out the matrix is beautiful. It doesn’t mean you don’t stop healing it just becomes easier to heal when you see where you got you fucked up at. Not only when the lies didn’t consume me and couldn’t work, I wore that black sheep badge with honor. Because I’ll rather be hated for who I am then you to hate me for something I am not. I know the holidays is coming and family seems to come knocking around these seasons. Just hold on for a nigga like me because I promise you are the “AMERICAN DREAM!”
TO THE NIGGA IN THE WHITE INFINITY IF WE AINT SHARING A SEAT ON THE FOURTH WITH THE WHITE TEES, FLAG SHORTS, AND A GRILL. I’M FINA GO BE WITH MR. EARL AND HIS KIDS AND ONE OF THEM A TODDLER! SCREAMS IN AGONY! BYE LOSER AND THEY KIDS BAD AS HELL HELP ME!