BLACK FAMILY DRAMA PART 6:
Now as I always say this, just because the title states black it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t apply to any ethnicity group. Now let's gone head and get in here. I also would like to add that the subject itself may seems a little touchy so feel free to come back and read this at your own risk.
I think about a month ago I said I was going to write up on this topic, but I didn’t know how to approach it. As we have been doing this series, I have stalled out long enough before we started to hit on this subject because it can be triggering for my black folks when you start to confront them old wounds. The wounds that were caused by your elders, loved ones, siblings, family, and those care takers of the family.
Is a common thing in the black community to the point it is damn near unrecognizable because of the hush, hush, hush method or the inability to get a parent to see they fucked up. Now some people didn’t experience trauma at the hand of their own parents. It was their parent's unwillingness to face the truth about the trauma that was bestowed upon you. Now the subconscious mind is very powerful because we can bury as many dark secrets as we want into our brain by doing things that don’t remind us of the pain we have endured. While for others the trauma can be so impactful that it can cause us to act out of character, develop behavioral patterns that aren’t normal to us or the people around us, and basically contemplate between life and death. Trauma is tricky like that because if you have followed this series long enough in the black community we don’t talk about our feelings and express what is bothering us. We are taught that you keep going and don’t give up.
But what if you can't start because you have already given up due to life circumstances, what is the solution to that? Now I’m not fina go through a whole spill on how to spot a whole predator in your family dynamic but it imperative to know who you have your kids around. Now, this isn't to alarm anyone to go around with suspicion that thinking everybody is a pedophile but sometimes we never know. Is it me or being a single mom and being black your parent's trauma really do fuck you up before your own do. Because as a person who used to date out in the field the biggest thing I had to worry about was if this nigga was on some weird shit. Now outside of my parents and their parents they really had us dating in fear when they married or dated rapey as individuals and procreated with them. What the hell as I say this as I read this out loud.
Now granted the information we have today such as therapy, workshop, healers, shamans, light workers, and energy healers we wouldn’t be able to be in peace without their help in helping us to identify the running themes in our life that is connected to our DNA. Because in a perfect world we are to date, drink, marry, procreate, and go off and be in bliss. And that is one that we can have till this day, but not being cognizant of the choices that are being presented to us because of the generational curse that is on the family is hell. And let me tell you I wish like hell somebody in my family would do they damn job with breaking some shit because I'm bout this close to squaring up to God if call on me one more time, but that’s neither here nor there.
Now for some people who were groomed into being touched as child you may find this a bit difficult to relate to this because of your emotional standpoint on this. Because in the older days some parents would use their children to solicit services to an older man to keep their bills being paid. Now, this was the norm for men because they felt that the older a woman got. She developed wear and tear on her vagina, and it made her useless. If he just had a little dick, he should've said that instead of trying to play power play dynamics over someone by using money to control someone's free will. Have your ever heard of the extra stitch after having a child? At the man's request to tighten the woman's vagina after childbirth? Yes, these are real things that has played out over time. Patriarchy even made women believe that they didn’t have any value other than be a virgin and being submissive to their plight all of the time.
Even the elders in the community pushed these guidelines because some women weren’t allowed to work because of women workers rights. If a woman was a darker hue, she would get a job faster than a light skinned woman who possibly was up for grabs to be married off like she was a modeled slave. Still pushing the agenda that a woman is nothing without a man. And with this rhetoric it has lead so many women down a path of trauma, hate, sacral blocks, resenting their kids, false identity, closeted sexuality, and even envious of other woman. Because to be a woman was to always be desired by a man or to be of a man needs. Do you know it's still some people who think like this? Child, cue in the red pill, blue pill ted talks as I say this with such sarcasm. So, that being said it has led some women to do some strange things for cash even if it means putting their child in harm's way.
Because in their mind they felt like this was a coming-of-age, a womans rite of passage. Some mothers believed that this was the pain that their daughters were going to experience later on in life so why not gone get it over with. When your life path probably wasn’t designed to go through that. Some women do allow their trauma to dictate their human experience and when these people have children, they put they children through this trauma because of their perception of life. I get it, its tough for someone to come to terms with this because in most spaces we would like to place all of the trauma we have endured onto our abusers when your parents, elders, and loved ones need to take responsibility for this too. But it’s hard when a mother's love comes with such respect that it can’t be challenged, corrected, or even shown empathy.
Because somehow, they feel the need to take on this perspective of being strong when they don’t know their so call strength makes you weak. Not because of the trauma you have endured but because of the inability to see any emotion in the person that played a role in hurting you even if they didn’t touch you or bring harm to you. It can create a tricky dynamic when it comes to the parent to child dynamic; you may see the god complex come out of them, the friend to child parent dynamic play out, or the guilty one who keeps you so busy to the point you have no room to bring up the issues because you are weighed down responsibilities.
And this may even roll into your relationships you have with your peers, people who share the same gender as you, will most likely have a heavy influence on your love life choices, and how you connect the feminine energy within yourself. It's crazy how someone doesn’t want to have those conversations with you. But they also don’t want to see not only did affect you but them as well. Now this isn’t to go pushing on pull doors and forcing someone to be open about old things they aren’t comfortable with, but it will come a point in time where you will have to address this chapter so it can phase out. An as a writer I know it can be tricky when you are trying to unlock the next subject while managing of the audience emotions as you pry open another door to clarity. Sometimes the storm can be so heavy that thing only you notice is the rain but the one thing we always seem to allow to escape is that we made it to safety. -lanem! See you tomorrow.