I remember the day like it was yesterday May 17, 2015 my world came crashing down. I was fired from my job, school wouldn't give me all my hours, and I had to move back to my mamas house. Meanwhile I was heartbroken and struggling to stay afloat in life. I was battling being shamed by a malignant narcissistic individual who was out to get me. Every turn I made I was forced to except defeat. I lost friends and family life was forcing me to level up while trying to seek justice for my pain. I found myself on my bathroom floor crying my eyes out because the strong independent fortitude I created was crumbling. My son was at school while I was on the floor of my bathroom crying my eyes out so that made it worse. The life I created was destroyed by Divine and one person. I couldn't see myself moving back to my mama house, I moved out 18 to never return. My friends and family couldn't save me because I burned bridges and it was like I needed to grow through some chapters alone so, that I could appreciate me a little a bit more.
During this time life was getting worse it was hard too smile, it was hard too laugh , and anybody who knows me that's something I love to do. Talk about unfair. Life was like I heard you can't swim and threw me in the water and was like survive. The hardest part was trying to survive by already living in survival mode. The hardest part coming out this chapter was recognizing that things had to play out the way they did so, I could learn. Child, I'm hardheaded and I learned hard. I was folly, hot headed, quick tempered, and wore my emotions on my sleeves boy that's a recipe for disaster. I mean honestly I think creation likes too mess with those people the most because they hard to break an at any given moment they're willing to ruin anything that comes into their path. I mean only the strong survive with this people and when life's dishing you back out what you gave others only is when your strength is tested. Honesty worked well in these times, but at the same time it was an enemy to know I moved so brash in these times. Too know I had to change things by being force to see the reality of my mistakes wasn't fun. The little girl who ran when things wasn't going her way didn't find it so fun to deal with her own bullshit.
I recognized I used people as my shield meaning they were placements to keep me from my karma and when Divine caught on they was snatching relationships, friendships, and jobs like left and right. Even though that one Virgo who gave me hell he was apart of the mission to force me to see I couldn't run from everything something's had to be faced. Like being an adult and managing myself better than any job, house, career, or relationship. It was tough, but I journaled along the way and I wanted to share this with you . How all those times I wrote meaningless letters at the time actually was going to mean something to someone someday. Hell even myself.
FALSE NARRATIVES: What's the reality of your situation your faced with? Did you create the mess your in? Did you tell yourself all those negative things about you or you let those people and things you do verify the person you've become. Are people afraid to tell you the truth because they fear upsetting you? Are you hard to reach emotionally? Do project or avoid majority of things in life? If yes. You have yes men versus people who can hold you accountable. You maybe emotionally draining or difficult to deal with . You may lose more people than you actually gain. You maybe more smothering than you actually realize. See when you go through life feeling untouchable and unreachable the things you want to obtain will always seem out of reach. Ex: You can see yourself in love and having a family, but it's always hard to get there because the lack of honesty and accountability keeps you bound. See most people who do wrong always fear looking at life in a positive light because they know one day they're going to get caught slipping. That's the harsh truth. Hell if I new heartbreak, losing a job, and meeting some boy with maniac issue was gone put me on my path to life. I would've just stayed in situations where I was emotionally numb, but I wouldn't trade my happiness, peace, and comfort for nothing in the world.
HABITS: What are your vices? Your go to things you need to decompress from the world. Is it alcohol, drugs, sex, money, or people? Most likely you over indulge in this because facing reality can be hard so, we hide behind these things thinking they fulfill us. Now don't get me wrong I love marijuana but, when I let it dictate my moods that's when I think I needed a little break from it. Now, I'm not a sober coach but if what you use start to take control over you, it is using you versus you using it. Y'all know how I feel about the whole parenting issue how parents demand respect while disrespecting you is quite dumb. So, after arguments with my parents was the most times I would smoke heavily because I couldn't speak my point of view without them feeling disrespected. I was developing an emotional codependent relationship with weed. So, any anger or emotions I felt I had to get high first. It wasn't the same as sparking a J after a long day coming home and running a bubble bath it was a necessity. It took away the fun. Check your habits. Do you have someone you call when life is going wrong or when you and spouse get into with? Do they help you actually get through these moments or justify the behavior of the other person versus your own?
PEOPLE: What if I told you everything you been through somebody has already been through it? The world is full of people who can help you, but we hold ourselves back because we fear being judged. The help isn't going to look like what you're use too. The person that's designed to help isn't always going to be a friend, a mom, father, family, and close relationships. Sometimes you have to go outside your circle to get a better circle. At least some better guidelines for you and your family. All I'm saying is you are one of the people in the world designed to help, to learn, and grow to be an example for some one else.
CHANGE THE NARRATIVE: You know my saying whoever has the ability to create or tell the story is the most powerful person. An guess who that person is "YOU"! You are the author of your own story. No matter what your religious beliefs are, you have the power to say I want better. I don't want to keep living the same way. That's a step within itself. You can take those steps without anyone doing it for you because this is your life. No matter the support your looking for on your journey it will always find you. It may not be in a timely matter, but it comes. Nobody heals you, you do. People can assist you with things but at the end of the day that's your job to stay on the course your desired to go. It gets rocky and uncomfortable because your not suppose to stay at the first milestone. Your suppose to keep going, keep pushing. Create your own harvesting season were you can plant seeds and see them grow when you need them to. No, I'm not talking about money. I'm talking about your human needs. The world needs love an you do to and we need you to be one of those people whose willing to give it.