Anxiety can one of the greatest fears a person can face whether it be alone or with someone by your side, but what really happens when your all alone. Now y’all know I wrote a whole book on this and in was in my old laptop I tried to get fixed child it was too much to send my baby off and wait on an estimate. On top of that dealing with shady business this nigga duck lips stole my shit and sold it as his own. Yeah, life as being a creator and let me tell you it was at the lowest part of my life.
The goal I wrote in the book is to be med free but if some can’t manage without it is to lessen the dosages. Because many people find themselves hooked on meds and using it as a means to survive and not knowing they’re body creates a tolerance for it so the doses get stronger each and every time. Have you ever asked yourself why so many people don’t seek out help? Because of the fear being of their not voice being heard and just another prescription on a bottle.
Hell, I think COVID did wonder for those who suffer with social anxiety and for some not so much because their typical rush they get from the day to day mundane has been gone. Children at home, husbands as well, schools online, money seems tight, that heartache doesn’t seem to heal with that drink you take without being at the bar, and the lonely nights hit like a freight train when you couldn’t call your favorite booty call.
So, what did you do? Buckle down say you needed rest when you really needed sunlight? Go into a slumber and isolate yourself from the world and slowly lost interest in things. Unwanted thoughts and unnecessary scenarios playing out in your head, but have you ever asked yourself how did I get here? I usually say don’t ask why when you are in the healing phase but for this case, I will tell you to ask yourself why? Because unlike the voices in your head telling you things, do you ever stop to say why I am thinking this?
Because most of times we say we don’t know why when really genuinely do. That it ends up leading us to a breakdown and a feeling of utterly disgust with ourselves that we rarely jot down the events of how we got to this point. Because one day you will revisit the scenario again and those who do can’t seem to grasp why they yearn for this feeling outside of themselves. I am firm believer that when you are comfortable with listening to you, you find the reason why you should after you do it. But most people don’t even pay attention because they go right back into the same cycle of guilt, shame, and remorse. It’s like washing clothes you rinse, wash, and repeat until your body says no more.
Then here come the big dipper the depression because once again you feel like a failure without even knowing why you do. By this time and depending on your mental health, you’ve probably self sabotaged some relationships and this isn’t the first rodeo. Because the guilt becomes stronger after each and every incident because you aren’t foreign to these emotions. You let people tell what your emotions are. That you end up taking on their response to your agony because you’ve caused them disdain as well.
I say all the time that people who date or are married to someone who suffers with mental health challenges you need therapy too. Because sitting there trying to be the strong for someone all of the time will emotionally exhaust you and where does that energy go back into the relationship. Whether it be arguments, fights, destroying things, mental confusion, a loss of words, and my overall favorite the blame game.
Child this is why most people think being depressed, having anxiety, or suffering from mental illness is and aesthetic. And let me tell you it’s not cute when you really going through it. Child, I would like to be an actor one day but that’s role I ain’t fina sign on too, you can have that one. Been there done and had to tell that B**** anxiety get yo ass back. She was severely annoying to me at a time in my life when I was trying to run away from me but guess what I was like gotcha B**** in my Dave Chapelle voice. I had to get that thang off up me.
It wasn’t hereditary or anything it was a moment in my life when I was going through my spiritual awakening and while I was in the dark knight I didn’t want to accept some truths about me. Because I’m what you call a hard girl a.k.a, the typical black strong woman. Eww. Girl, it was a struggle for me to be vulnerable with me because in the black community you have no time for vulnerabilities unless your disable, handicap, MR, or suffering from a mental illness.
Child, the black community find out you depressed that use that as a reason why you can’t do anything but they’ll still implode on you. Leaving you in a tussle with yourself because you end up trying to outdo a narrative that has been fed to you by close people. Growing up seeing my uncle get away with s*** because he was labeled aschandicap had me side-eyeing my grandma. I’m like this nigga can walk, talk, cuss, smoke, drink, fuck and be chester the molester and use that as an excuse. Sighs. And before the think police bring y’all ass on here he had a dislodged bone in his arm.
So, my grandma needing some form of income, because she pushing out kids like a freight train she listened to the people when they said label him MR so should could get a check. Now as a mother who had kids to society viewpoint as functional, she coddled him a lot. Telling him what he could and could not do that the only thing he knew how to do was destroy everybody peace. She never seen no wrong in her actions nor his only when he developed depression and turned to a life of drugs. So, the codependency she had with him really made him codependent on her.
I seen how each time he would pick his life up and say I’m ready to concur the world the support that was around him did everything they could to hold him down. He’s slow, he’s handicap, and he’s a drug addict. The numerous of time I have heard this tale and seen it play out with other individual’s in my life. I am not a stranger to having a friend who suffers from mental illness. I actually had to cut them for my sanity and theirs too, because I was enabling them. It went from o they just don’t understand you, to do you even understand you? While cutting my eyes with annoyance and genuine concern. I’ve seen how quickly they wouldn’t want to be labeled BPD, but use this to get away with certain things. This why I’m not so fond of the labeling people with mental illness when some people are clearly working through grief. And most people don’t even understand how mental illness can be developed over a long period of drug use, inhumane events, and severe isolation.
I do believe in seasonal depression, grief, and mental illness because the body does what the brain tells it too. Think about it you’re having a panic attack and you’ve been working a lot and in this moment of anxiety you start to think about every little thing you’ve done. In that moment you get so worked up about what you couldn’t do and didn’t do that you don’t notice that body is reacting to the stress you put on it. Stress is the number one killer; this is why heart chakra work is so important.
Because the mind is the most powerful organ in the body. See people fail to recognize how and why they do the things they do because it’s been embedded in them for so long that anything that feels foreign to them is inhumane. So, either way if a person was to start changing for the better and doing the work to slow anxiety or to make it null and void. They will run back to the same thing over and over again because the mind is the biggest threat when there is no weapon for it.
So, the next time you feel that you’re having a panic attack just the time to succumb to it. Don’t fight it try to suppress it let it out go through the motions until you learn to discover when she like to arrive.